Where are my Crayons....

It's super crazy how certain things can escalate in life. Sometimes, changes happen so quickly that you don't notice until it's too late. I think that's a bittersweet aspect of life. People think that just because they grow up, and become adults, that they drop habits they had as kids. That's probably true for some people, but not everybody. I think what happens, is that sometimes little habits just slowly turn into other things.

When I was younger, I think around age ten or so, I used to melt crayons onto my arms. I thought it was just because I liked how the colors looked on my skin. The way it felt, I didn't necessarily hate it, but it made me feel better when I did that. Now, I started doing that again, recently. Just as a random artistic thing to do. Only, I was wrong about why I was doing it before. I realized that, me doing that when I was younger, was where my self harm issue probably started. I mean, it doesn't hurt a lot by any means, but the slight burn is enough when you're ten years old. It started with the crayon melting, and unfortunately, it's escalated into a few other things. It's just so crazy to me that it never really went away. Clearly, my brain is wired wrong, because there will never be a time in what's left of my life, where I won't be hurting myself. Clearly, I'm wired wrong, because I don't see society and people in the same way that most people do. I've never felt right, I've always felt wrong, like there's a lot wrong with me. I can't be fixed, I'm beyond any kind of help. Most people would find that upsetting, and it's understandable. Me, I don't find it upsetting. It's just a sad but true fact. I was never meant to be alive. 

Contrary to popular belief, I don't really try to encourage the feelings that I have. At least not towards other people that are in my position. That makes me a huge hypocrite, I know. Honestly, it just breaks my heart knowing that other people have to feel like this. It's a pain so evil, that it controls every aspect of your life. In my experience, society seeks weaker people out. People see our tears, our scars, and insecurities, and use them to take us out. Sounds like I'm being dramatic, only I'm not. I've just been on this low level for such a long time. I wanted to help other people with these problems, I wanted to teach people how to survive. Well, the truth is....I can't help anybody because it turns out I don't know how to survive. Since I can't be helped, I have no right to try and guide others. It wouldn't be fair at all. Me not being in people's lives seems fair, and it makes more sense. I think it's important to be able to forgive yourself for the years that mental illness took away from your life. I can't forgive myself for that. 

Being strong enough to survive in our society today is so important. Sure, things seem to be changing for the better. It appears that minds are opening and acceptance is spreading. That makes me smile, I love that the world is changing. But, it's still way too scary. One of most terrifying things in this world is that you never know what somebody's true intentions are. I'm finding out the hard way, over and over again that more often than not, people's intentions are bad. Being a nice, friendly person means that your clingy and creepy. Trying to help, means you're being invasive and nosy. Backing away and staying and avoiding drama, makes you insensitive and bitchy. Being an emotional person that wants to talk things out, means that you're a weak baby, that needs to suck things up. If you don't like to be laughed at, or insulted, you're taking things too seriously, and need to lighten up. There is no winning, it's a mess. None of that is worth the pain of having people hate you for being who you are. 

I think that I'm being tortured by my own mind. Society, along with humanity, test me day by day, and I'm failing. Tested by the world, tortured by my own mental illness. It's just not a way to live. I wish that I could say, going back to being ten years old would make it better. I wish melting crayons on myself was enough. The truth is, I've escalated. I'm too far gone, and there is clearly no coming back.

♪Trusting in Music....Music is Trust♫

Sometimes, trusting music is easier than trusting people. I've said that before, so many times. For years, I've had that belief, and I've been called crazy for having that belief. Only, I don't believe that makes me crazy. It's just a fact. A personal little fact about myself that I've learned to be at peace with. There are people that I do trust, but there are also a lot people that I don't trust. People I know that I can't or shouldn't trust. Music is different for me. I probably trust more songs than I do people. I believe that when you listen to music, it listens back. Music always seems to know how you feel. More often than not, it puts things into perspective, and brings real passion into your thoughts. Simple, everyday thoughts, can be brought to life with just one song. That's why I'm a musician. Just knowing that I can do that for people, knowing that I can clear minds, and save lives, all with music....that's so beautiful to me. I think that musicians hold more emotion, more power and understanding than some of them even know.

During high school, I was all about Linkin Park, and Blink-182. I still love both bands to this day. Only during that time, I needed them more. I'll spare the details of why that was such a weird time in my life. Lets face it, I wasn't the only one dealing with complications around then. Junior High and High School....I think most of us can chalk that time up to one, very simple abbreviation."WTF"

Everybody deals with their own things around that time in their lives. For me, it was rough, but I had a few different outlets. Music being one of those outlets. It was an escape. An epically beautiful escape.

Linkin Park was a miracle in my eyes. Their album, Hybrid Theory was popular at that time in my life. Now, I love all of their albums, I really do, but that album will always be my favorite. I'm not saying anything they did after that was bad, I don't think that at all. I just connected best with the songs from Hybrid Theory. Every single song on that album spoke to me. Spoke for me. Helped me to understand some of the feelings that I was dealing with. Sadness, anger, loneliness, pride....you name it, that music helped me to understand it. Like, the song "By Myself"....if that song, and those lyrics didn't explain being a teenager going to a public high school....a person that was different than most, I have no idea what lyrics could!

♫"What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?" ♫

To me, those lyrics apply to anytime in some people's lives, but they made the most sense to me back then. Insecurities haunt some of us long after childhood, but they seem stronger during the earlier years. During that time in life when you're starting to really find out where you belong. Or even if you belong."Adam's Song" by Blink-182....one of my favorite songs, since the moment it graced my ears with it's presence. The lyrics are just so real, and for more than just one reason. It's a song to connect to, with words so true, you swear they're reading your mind. You can't help but wonder, how does this song know me so well....where do they get off breaking into my subconscious, my GOD I swear, this song is about me. Those lyrics, that song....words of wisdom, lyrics that stand for a truth that most people don't wish to hear. It's real. It exists, and it's real.

That's not even a taste of what music has done for me. Not even a pinch. These days, musicians have more appreciation for feelings, a bigger hunger for truth. People are able to sing in a way that doesn't dare compare to any form of expression.

Lets go to another Blink-182 song. One from a more resent album of theirs. The album is "Neighborhoods"....a super full bowl of Awesome Sauce. The song is "Heart's All Gone (Interlude)"....no words. Just music. Just sound. Piano and Guitar being the main focus. Oh my God, music itself being the main focus. It's one of those songs, one that just lays it all out there for you. It starts off....so unsure, with such simplicity. The first forty-eight seconds make me unsure. Almost as if I'm trying to decide whether or not I could conquer the world or not. It brings certain buried thoughts to the surface. Makes me wonder what could be. With everything in my past....could the future mean bigger, better, more important things? The rest of that song answers those questions. It transitions into more than I ever thought possible. Yes, I can push, yes I can fight. Hell yes, l can. The ability is there. It's half dead, but it's there. I can bring it to life, I can take what this music makes me feel, and I can use it. I can use it as a heartbeat, as power. That's what kind of music that it is to me, and what I believe it can, will, and does for others."Cure For the Itch" by Linkin Park is another one of those songs. It starts off lazy. Almost like the song itself has given up, and doesn't know what to do with itself. It sounds like it's trying so hard. Fighting to stay alive. You listen, you tune into it....suddenly....you really hear it. The song finds it's strength, the power, everything it's fighting for. The song realizes it's potential and pushes itself. By the end of that song, you feel super powers running through your veins.

Lana Del Rey, and Adele....the way they sing is beautiful to me. They both have singing voices that remind me of a past that I don't even know. Their voices take me to a place that I've never known. If I could control what I see while listening to their music, imagine things to life....everything would be in slow motion, slowly fading to black and white. Sure, music itself can take you places, I'll always believe that. But....the voices....oh my God the voices. Some people just know where to take you and how to take you there.

Music, with or without voices....it just holds so much power. I feel like people don't pay enough attention to that. Like right now, as I'm writing this, I'm listening to a song called "Drizzle"....there are no words. It's just music, it's just the perfect sound right now. The reason why it's perfect at this moment in time....it's raining. Not even raining.

It's drizzling.

That's how perfect it is.

I found a moment. A beautiful moment. Or maybe it found me. Either way, I can't ignore it, not even if I wanted to. It speaks to me just as loud as it speaks to the moment. It's perfection. The music, the beat....it's flowing with every drop of rain that I'm seeing, every drop I feel on my skin. My heart beat....it's matching....it's so in sync. I love it, I'm embracing it . I will not let go of this feeling until I absolutely have to. This is what I live for, this is the hold that music has over me. It makes me feel....like singing to my heart's content. It could be my own song, my own lyrics. Only....I just feel like singing somebody elses song.

See, I have this respect for Covers. I love when people sing music that's known. Songs that are loved. It shows this respect, this love and appreciation. Admiration like no other. Like Emily Browning, singing "Asleep" by The Smiths. That song, those lyrics....already so powerful, so real. She took it to another place, a place that needed to be explored. Her voice takes an already epic song, and turns it into something different, something so new. It's beautiful to me.

I could go on forever about this, I really could, but for now....I'll stop. For me, music is easier to trust. It doesn't hurt me. It doesn't make me feel bad about who I am as a person. It's opinionated in a way that doesn't tear me down. It doesn't abandon, or leave me, it's always here for me. It drowns out the screaming, the yelling, and monsters that I see and hear everyday. It doesn't make my head hurt. It doesn't threaten me, and tell me just how much I don't belong. It's encouraging, not discouraging. Yes, it makes me cry sometimes, but they are tears of jot, more often than not. Music doesn't treat me like garbage, I respects me just as much as I respect it. It doesn't blow me off, it doesn't shut me out. It just heals me. It's the greatest kind of band aid there is.

There's this saying I see a lot. I'm not sure if it's just a saying, or if it's a quote from a book, or a movie or a person. I have no idea where it came from. Maybe it's lyrics that I just haven't discovered yet, who knows."If you could read my mind, you'd be in tears."

That makes so much sense to me. Probably more than it should, but those words speak to me. Like music speaks to me. If music took human form....I'd hug it, and never let it go.

Dear Little Me

Little me, she's just so clueless. No idea of how her innocence will be stolen. Not one clue as to how early, and violently she will be expected to grow up. Look at how simple, and stupid that little smile is. Backwards dress, lop sided bow. Little me, you have no idea.

Hey, little me....I can only make wishes at this point. I cannot hope for you. Changing your fate is an impossibility now. For that, I'm so damn sorry. The wisdom and truth that I could feed to you now....oh, tiny girl, you just have no idea. Though, I do wish that you did. Now, more than ever....I truly wish that you had an idea. Insecurities will eat you alive, society will tear you apart. Depression will hit you like a car crash, and life as you know it will only get worse and worse. I've been trying to fix it for you, I honestly have. I'm ashamed. I didn't mean to let you get destroyed. Little me....don't grow up. Just go to Neverland....and stay there.