Reoccurring Connection between Love & Evil

Reoccurring Connection Between Love & Evil

Reoccurring nightmares haunt people like me, for years. Nightmares are bad memories and fear that are stuck in your brain. That's my opinion, I'm not stating that as a fact. When a nightmare repeats itself over and over again, that means it has implanted itself into your brain, and has zero plans to vacate. Again, simply my opinion. To me, that's terrifying, I feel for people who have reoccurring nightmares, because I know how much it hurts. I know how frightening it can be. It's very easy to get frustrated, especially with yourself. I get angry with myself, because I don't know how to get these nightmares out of my head. Let me paint you a picture, a very scary one.

I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, below there is nothing but fire and the voices of people screaming. Somebody always screams "I'm burning for being myself." Every single time, and it makes me cry. In my left ear, somebody whispers "Crying doesn't save you, it only makes you weak." My left ear is ripped off. I can't scream, my mouth has been sewn shut. In my right ear, a whisper...."Everything you are is sin, and that is why you have to stay forever." My right ear is ripped off, and I'm pushed from the cliff into the fire below. I feel myself burning, and the nightmare ends.

My worst enemy could ask me to give them that experience, and I would refuse. I have a few theories about that nightmare, regardless, I wish that it would stop haunting me. The strangest thing about it, is that it connects to a reoccurring dream I have. Let me paint you a much prettier picture.

I'm sitting on a beach at night, surrounded by a circle of people. I don't recognize these people, but it feels like these people are my friends. I see that they are talking, and laughing but I can't hear their voices. I hear guitar music, and the waves. It smells like Fantasia incense, and burning firewood. There are so many stars in the sky, it makes me cry. In my left ear, a loving voice tells me "It's okay to cry, it makes you human." I'm kissed on my left cheek, somebody holds my left hand. In my right ear, I hear, "We love you for you, please stay with us forever." I'm kissed on my right cheek, and my right hand is held. I close my eyes, and that's the end. 

I feel lucky when I have that dream. Most mornings, I cry when I wake up because it makes me sad that I'm still alive. When I have that dream, I don't cry because I'm sad. I cry, because I'm happy. The nightmare came first, and it scares me as much now as it did the first time it happened. I needed it to be a one time occurrence, but of course, it was not. The second time it happened, I knew it was here to stay, and I was devastated. Having that kind of evil in my head makes me feel like a monster. I grew up thinking that my appearance and personality would send me to Hell. I've said it before, this is a place where differences are not welcomed with open arms. Something must have triggered me, because lost memories are coming home. The nightmare started months ago.

The dream started a few weeks ago, and I knew right away where it came from. It's so similar to the nightmare, it wasn't hard for me to figure it out. My brain created a counter world to escape that nightmare. That nightmare scares me so much, that I created it's much nicer cousin, without even knowing it. I didn't go to sleep thinking "I need to push the nightmare away with a better world"....it just happened. They're both so short, the length of a dream or nightmare that fades the very second you open your eyes. These don't fade, they hover than hide until they're ready to come out and play again. The nightmare is a Hell issue obviously. So, anybody could assume that the dream is a Heaven thing. Only, it's not. The nightmare feels like Hell, the dream doesn't feel like Heaven. It just feels like a better place, one that I could be in and not hear the monsters all the time. They're so loud these days, I can barely hear anything else. I drown them out with music as often as I can. There's lyrics to match the dream.

♫"This is happiness, to be everything at once.

Be un-blinded, be unlearned, be unbridled and un-burned." ♫

Those lyrics are from a song called "No Parallels" by Hands like Houses. One of my favorite songs and bands ever. Anyways, the lyrics remind me of the place in my dream. I haven't been able to match lyrics to the nightmare, but I believe that to be a positive thing. 

I have a pretty solid idea of what's coming my way soon. I'm scared, but, it's alright. This world isn't a place that I need to be, there is no help. Not for me. I'm still okay with that. I just hope whoever takes my place, has a purpose. 

Bittersweet Little Gifts & The Desire To Leave This World

Being hugged by somebody who actually thinks you're worth something, is pure magic. Especially when you know that you're not worth anything. I have to admit, knowing that I'm an utterly useless human being is bittersweet. Bitter, because I seem to be in the way a lot. More often than not, I'm taking up space, or holding somebody back. I don't have the right to do that, especially not to people who have actual purpose. The sweet part is, when I'm not here anymore, it frees up a spot for somebody better. Somebody that is actually worth something. That makes me feel pretty elated. For the longest time now, I've felt that my existence is unfair. Not to me, but to other people. It's my belief that I was never supposed to be here. Some people disagree with that, but it's what I think, and it's how I feel. I get genuinely confused when I wake up in the morning, it just hurts my feelings now. Not all lives are a joke, I respect people's sense of resolve. I think my life is a joke though, and the punchline just never comes. When it does, I don't know if I'll laugh or cry, maybe I'll do both. Maybe my reaction will be painfully neutral. I have a few different horrifying reoccurring nightmares. Dreams as well, but more nightmares than dreams. Waking up every morning feels like one of those. I know what some people say.

"Life is a gift, and should be appreciated."

I don't entirely disagree with that, but I just don't believe that my life is a gift. I wish I did, but it just doesn't feel that way to me. I believe certain parts of my life are gifts. Like, fireworks. They turn me into goo. I remember, I used to think that after fireworks went off....they turned into the stars. I wish that I still believed that. Naivety saves my heart, I wish I was still naive to lot of things. Fireworks are tiny exploding miracles, and even though they don't turn into the stars, they're still a gift. On the other hand, my life as a whole is not. This world, where we all exist, is filling with Evil. Pure evil and poison.  There's starving people everywhere, but somebody's pissed off that my skin is the color a milk chocolate. People are getting away with disgusting things like, abuse, rape and murder. Yet, people are pissed off because a man wants to kiss another man, or a woman wants to marry another woman. There seems to be terrorists everywhere. What is it about humans that makes other humans want to terrorize them? I don't understand it, and I'm not really sure that I want to understand it. Hatred is fueling everybody now. It's like the majority of people in this world forgot how to love. Treating people nicely, and with respect has somehow become turned into something else. People make it seem like it's the wrong thing to do. That's super sad, it breaks my heart. Everybody is stressed, and taking it out on each other. People are so enthralled with social media that they forget about actual communication. It's all so frustrating, and being trapped within this chaos is only doing more damage to my very fragile existence. There's so much more about this world that breaks my heart, but I don't have to name every single little thing. I trust that some people see the same evil that I do. 

I honestly just wish that people could or would pay more attention to the good things. There are beaches covered with pink sand. There are beaches covered in black sand. Can you imagine how amazing it would be to see that? I know it would bring me so much peace. If I had the chance to lay on a beach with sand those colors, I could die with the biggest smile on my face. I would burn Fiesta Lime incense and play music by Tom Day. I could get lost in that forever. That's just me, I know that, but it's a picture I've painted inside of my mind. I wished more people did that, and if they do, I hope they share it with me. I'd like to know about pictures people paint in their minds. Even if that's just a far off dream, it's one of the good things I think about all the time. Even knowing that it will never happen, the thought is enough to make me smile for a few minutes on my worst day. I get so worried about people in my life. People that I know are worth so much, but are sad. I used to be able to make people happy. Being a good friend means so much to me, but I no longer have the ability to make people feel better. I can't make people happy anymore. My issues are in the way, my head is broken, my thoughts are dark and scary, and my spirit is dying. My spirit is sick, and suffering, and has been for the longest time. There's this song called "Little Black Cloud" by Crazy Town. That's the same band that had the one hit wonder, "Butterfly." The chorus was simple, bu the lyrics always appealed to me.

♫"I got a little black cloud that follows me, everywhere I go, it takes over me."♫

That song came out in 1999, and I still listen to it to this day. There are times when I feel like I have that cloud over me. Other times, I feel like I am that cloud. People always say things like "You're in control of your own happiness." Fine. If that's what your opinion is, than fine. Only, that isn't always true. People with mental health problems don't always have the option of being in control. We have demons, and they tell us how to feel, they tell us how to think. They control our actions, our words, and our thoughts. I don't think that people understand that those demons, they make their existence known every day. They don't just talk to us, they yell, they scream and they rampage. They're little monsters with more power than you'd think. So, no. I don't believe everybody has control over their happiness. Yes, you can cut people and certain  unhappiness from your own life, you can try your hardest to protect yourself. Only, the consequences always seem to be bad. If you cut a person from your life, you're a "bad friend." You're the "enemy", and "how dare you." I've been cut from many people's lives, but I understand why, and I don't blame people for it. But, not everybody does understand. It hurts to be cut out, it does. It's a hurtful part of life that some people just don't get over. To me, that's part of "being in control of your happiness" but it's so negative. It doesn't seem like it should be apart of happiness. Maybe that only makes sense to me. It might, because I struggle to put my words together most of the time. If only people knew how long it takes me to write just one entry for this blog. 

♫"Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, money.

We used to play pretend, wake up you need the money.

Used to play pretend, give each other different names, we would build a rocket ship and then we'd fly it far away.

Used to dream of outer space, but now they're laughing at our face saying "wake up, you need to make money", yeah."♫

I love Twenty-One Pilots. Their music brings me so much peace, the lyrics are perfect. They say it just how it is. One day, you wake up, and you need to make money. Only it's not that simple. I'm an artist, and that doesn't always promise money. So, you go and try to find a job to save money for things that you're passionate about. Only, you have a last name that intimidates people. You look a certain way, and it puts people off. So you spend years trying to get a "normal" job, yet nobody will give you a chance based on these petty little things. People say "You can't give up, just keep trying." That's not a bad thing, but some of us reach a certain point. You get to this point where, you cannot take anymore rejection. Hearing that you're not good enough gets old after a while. You start to believe it, and then trying just becomes pointless. The constant rejection gets painful. You might as well stand in front of a person and say "You suck, we don't want you, and you aren't good enough" over and over and over again. It's like being punched in the throat repeatedly. They don't understand what they're doing to you. They don't understand, and most of the time they don't care. People in this world who hold positions of power, usually abuse that power. Those of us who are never given a chance, because it's already decided that we will fail, that pretty much means that we're screwed. I'd rather go back and play pretend. 

♫Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young.

How come I'm never able to identify where it's coming from.

I'd make a candle out of it if I ever found it.♫

Those lyrics are from the same song. I should mention, the song is called "Stressed Out." Even the damn title is perfect! This song is everything to me. I know you know what they're talking about. You're minding your own business, a smell hits you, and suddenly you are six years old again. It makes you smile for a minute, but you cannot figure out what it is. It's another one of those bittersweet little moments. I count that as a gift in life. 

Even with all the little gifts like, music, amazing smells, and thought of brightly colored beaches, I'm just so tired. I want the little things to be enough, I do. They aren't, and at this point I feel like no matter what I do, it will end with me in tears, and the world once again be laughing at me. I don't feel like anybody wants me around. People can tell me until they're purple faced that they do. My monsters won't let me believe them. People do tell me I'm not wanted, and they make me feel unsafe. They know that I feel scared, I won't let the world know that they're bullies. I like people too fast, I love and care about people too fast. Too much. So much, that it makes me seem creepy and weird. That's what being friendly is these days. It makes you a weirdo. Being loving is considered a bad thing. Being sensitive and crying a lot makes you weak. That's what I see, and I just don't want to see it anymore. All I hear is hatred, and pain. Not just my own, but other people's and it hurts me. My head is a scary place to be, and there isn't anything I can do to fix it. Some people are beyond help, some people can't be helped. The world's solution to "fixing" people like me, is drugging you up, and strapping you down. To me, it's cruel and unusual. To strap a person down who just wants to escape in the first place. It seems like being kicked while you're down. I understand why it's done that way, but I don't like it. I just want to step aside, I wish I could give my life to somebody else. Somebody that would do something useful with the time. Like, seriously, take my life, do something better than I will ever be able to do. I have faith you. 

The next time you see somebody that you think is worth something, hug them as if their life depends on it. 

Adventure, Music, Monsters & Demons

I really want to talk about the good things. 

The new things going on in my life. Things that I’ve been lucky to experience lately. Days like this, days where I can be out and about, around people who inspire me. People who can relate, be aware of my crazy, and still put up with me. People who will go on random little adventures with me. Or, take me on little conquests. Believe me, there are new things. Crazy amazing things.

 Drawing awesome sauce creations, with chalk, a new friend, and ducks.  So many ducks.

Having complete strangers get infected artistically by what we were doing, jumping on the chalk wagon, and talking about music and dream concerts. 

Seeing a guy I knew for about two minutes, booty dance in a pair the shortest shorts I have ever seen.

Lettuce on pizza with no sauce, cheese, or toppings. It was just dough. It tasted like air, but you know what? It didn’t bother me that much, because it was part of the great adventure I was on.  Everything was great, I had fun. 

So, why is it so easy for one of my many demons to take it all away?

The little bastard discretely nibbled and chewed little bites off of my nerves throughout the day. It poked at me, it yelled at me, it made me feel bad about myself. I did my best to ignore it. I needed to just enjoy the adventure. Once the adventure ended, it took it’s final bite, chewed up every positive emotion I managed to hang onto for the day, and spit them out. As if my good mood tasted bad. As if the monster was offended that I was doing a little better. It couldn’t stand that I was happy, it couldn’t just let it go. I’ve known for a while, just how relentless this particular demon is, but it’s slightly more frustrating now.  This one does that. It complicates everything just to make me feel like lashing out. I cannot bring myself to lash out on this demon. No. Instead, I feel the need to lash out on myself. This demon, this ugly, heartless, life restraining monster, it doesn’t make me feel like hurting it. It doesn’t it make me feel like hurting others. It makes me feel like taking a razor blade across my skin, over and over again until I can’t feel feelings anymore. It makes me angry to see my own reflection in the mirror. It makes me feel like if I don’t make it happy, if I don’t just do what it wants, I’m nothing. I’m nothing without it. 

I tried so hard to hang onto the good stuff today. So, damn, hard. Thank God for good thoughts and memories. I will always have this day. Just like I will always have all my other good days. Only now, I’m infuriated with myself, and I’m fighting off the urge to cry my eyes out and scream. I have to think about the good things later, because I’m a pathetic puppet, hanging on strings, dancing for one of my own controlling demons. The fire is all on the inside, and it hurts. Only, I can’t let it out, because if I do, I will destroy myself in one way or another.  I ran from the monster, almost as far as I could go. I thought cutting the strings would be so much easier, but so far, it hasn’t been. I’m really ashamed of myself, I’m supposed to be doing better. My life isn’t just off track….it’s a thousand feet away from track, going in the opposite direction. 

“I don't know where to begin, to make these words take shape,
How to nurture a flame, and raise it to a blaze
That on the clearest night can be seen forever.
I don't know where to begin, or begin again.”

That’s ‘A Fire On a Hill’ by Hands like Houses. Amazing band, amazing song. That part of the song is how I feel like by life right now. I’m supposed to be starting over, and the people around me are helping me with that process. That makes everything slightly better. At least I’m not alone, and I know I’m not alone.  So, it’s very frustrating feeling lonely, because it makes me feel like I’m hurting people. That’s not my intention at all, but all the clutter floating around in my head, it’s getting me all mixed up. I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to go back to the monster. Only, I feel like it will happen, and I can’t even lie, it scares the Hell out of me. 

“Bring me home in a blinding dream
Through the secrets that I have seen
Wash the sorrow from off my skin
And show me how to be whole again”

That’s ‘Castle Of Class’ By Linkin Park. One of my favorites since their album, Hybrid Theory. That’s my favorite part of the song, it was before I even had a reason for it to be my favorite part. Now, I know. I’m craving guidance. I need help, I do. However, in my mind, anybody who tries to guide me, and help me, will just walk away. They will leave angry, they will leave frustrated, and I wouldn’t blame them a bit. 

Just a small town girl, living inside of her head.

If only rooms with padded walls looked like dreams. It wouldn't be so bad, right? I've heard depression described as drowning, but never dying. That makes more sense to me than it should, it's so accurate. I've always liked to swim, so it seems like I wouldn't mind being suspended in a body of water, for a long period of time. However, I have to admit, twenty some odd years is a long time to be swimming. I know, it's not really water. Instead of my lungs filling with water, it's doubt, shame, anxiety and last but not least, all my lovely little demons. The angry little monsters that reside inside of my head, reminding me on a daily basis that life doesn't need me. It feels like they're dancing on my cerebrum, and oh my God, I don't think I have ever once used that word before. Anyways, if I'm right, that's the part of the brain that controls memory. 

My memories come and go pretty frequently, it's very frustrating. When lost memories come back, it's aggressive. Like being punched in the brain with a fist full of fuck you. Excuse my language, but that's what it feels like. It's all part of the emotional roller coaster that is post traumatic stress. Incase you're wondering, there's no height requirement for this ride, and you will vomit. 
Every day is worse than the last. It's not the company I keep, because I'm not anywhere near the people that chewed me up and spit me out. It's not my environment, I'm not in the wonderful world of Western New York anymore. Don't take that seriously, because I took the word wonderful, and dipped it in a huge glass of sarcasm. I guess I'm just done. The things I was good at, the things that used to save me from myself, they're a thing of the past now. My camera used to be my best friend, but I am no longer able to do any favors for the art of photography.  

Writing was always a good outlet. Obviously, it still can be at times. I have this blog. Sadly, it's all that remains. Song lyrics, poems, screenplays, I stopped all of it. It felt like I was ruining something. It was the same feeling with my acting, and my music. I actually think I remember when I decided to kill my music. I was in the middle of writing lyrics, and they mentioned something about playing my veins like violin strings, with a razor blade. Super morbid, I know. I wouldn't recommend having a self harm addiction to my worst enemy. It's like having your demons on the outside. Anyways, I remember looking at those words, and wanting to cry. I probably did, because it had nothing to do with the rest of the song. It was just a random damn thought that I had, and it was scary. So yes, I'm a coward and I ran away from my own music. 

I'm an artistic disaster for sure, I've claimed that proudly for a long time. Only, you can be an artist and suck really badly at it. Turns out my photos are super generic, and my writing is that of a twelve year olds. Luckily, the person that pointed that out hates my blog. Their eyes are saved from this entry, yay! I didn't plan on updating, but I needed something to do. I am antsy, I can't sleep, and the demons are having a dance party in my head. Their music must have lots of bass, because my head hurts so bad, that I can't see straight. That's my cue I suppose. 

Dreams, Nightmares & Music ♫

When a person thinks of life as a whole, the possibilities are endless. Endless in a way that seems almost impossible, positive and negative thoughts alike. 

Life scares me a little more then death, I have to admit that. When I think of my life as it stands for me right now, I shut down. Not because of how defeated I feel, or because of how much pain I'm in. It's because there are so many different thoughts running through my head on a daily basis. Way too many, and not only does it make my head hurt, it makes it spin. 

It's like being stuck on the flying swings at an amusement park. Spinning round and round, trapped in between up above and down below. Going absolutely nowhere. While you're on the cycle, you can hear everything going on around you, but you can't hear it clearly. You can see things in the distance, but you can't really figure out what they are, because you're not still long enough to see it clearly. You wish more than anything you could hold somebody's hand, but all the hands available are out of reach. So close, yet just far enough away, that is mocks the comfort you're desperate to feel.

My life is just so surreal to me at this point. Sometimes it feels like one long dream, other times, a never ending nightmare. There are even times I have to laugh, because it feels like a practical joke that won’t end. It's ironic really, because it shouldn't be funny. I guess me laughing about it is more out of frustration than it is humor. The demons I hear in my head on a daily basis are constantly whispering in my ears about how the good memories will fade. I try so hard to hold onto those, and the memories that have impacted my life in good ways. Memories involving music, love, and beauty. Friends, bonds with people, and just overall happiness. It's so hard to hold onto, because the whispers about the bad things get louder and louder every single day. Some of the thoughts in my head are terrifying. I can't even begin to explain the feeling I get when I'm just sitting, and thinking, and scary thoughts start eating away at me, and they don't let up. Thoughts about people I love getting hurt in these horrible ways. Thoughts about what people that dislike me would do to me. I think about things that I have seen, things that I might see. Things that I probably never will see, but still I can't get the images out of mind. It just makes me wish that I could go numb for years at a time. Or even forever. There are times when I wake up, and get upset. I get angry, and frustrated that I woke up at all. I lay there, and I cry. It's become somewhat of a routine. To most people, that probably sounds like such a sad and pathetic fact. To me, it's just confusing. I think the amount of hatred I have for myself has a lot to do with it. Mostly, it's the desire I have to sleep and just be gone for a while. I don't miss the nightmares, reoccurring or not. The night terrors, I would gladly wave goodbye to. The dreams....oh my God, the dreams, they don't happen often enough. When they do, I get lost them. It's almost like getting lost in a song. I cry more when I wake up from something like that, it's hard not to. It's damn near impossible for me. I also cry more when I go to sleep knowing that I won't wake up, and I do. It breaks my heart in a way that I don't even think I can explain. Especially when one of the good dreams is floating around inside my head. 

There's a song called 'The Neighbourhood' by Female Robbery, great song. The lyrics just make so much sense to me, but listening to it is like being inside of a deep sleep. It's not a dream, but it's not a nightmare. It's a bittersweet universe to be in. Confusion plays a major part with how you feel, and it's almost like you're learning all these secrets about yourself and about life, but you can't tell anybody. Not just because it's a secret, but because you don't think anybody could possibly ever understand what you're trying to explain. I don't think that's what the lyrics are attempting to get across, that's just the scenario that runs through my head when I hear that song. 

Then, there are songs like 'Last Hope' by Paramore. It's so real, the lyrics are like a person in your life that understands how you feel, and knows what to say. It's beautiful, songs like that are kind of rare, and its shame that more people don't seek them out. It gives you peace of mind for five minutes. Or, five minutes and ten seconds if we're being specific. 

♫"Every night I try my best to dream, tomorrow makes it better. Then I wake up the cold reality that not a thing has changed."♫

That is my favorite part of the song, it's just true, and they are words that I can relate to so quickly. 

Life without music would be truly tragic. Even if it never existed and we wouldn't know anything different, I think I’d still know. I think there would be a noticeable void in my own existence. I know I wouldn't be alive today without the gift of music, that's a fact for sure. Some people relate to animals better. Even nature, and objects, much better then they relate to other people. I think music is that thing for me. I get that it's created by people, and that it exists because of people. Only, the songs themselves, the lyrics, the voices, all turn it into something much different. Something much more significant. All I know is that, I'm hanging on by very few threads these days. I'm almost sure that the demons will end up taking me out before anything else does. Those threads, they're music, and that's something I trust more than anything. I know some people might think it's sad that I trust music more than anything or anybody else, but it's the truth. I think it's beautiful, and I always will. Even if I don't live to see next year, I had something beautiful to hang onto up until the very end. That means the world to me, and I couldn't ask to go out on a note anymore perfect than that. 

Life, Death & Perfection

 I think about silencing myself sometimes. It would hurt a lot, but I think that it would be worth it. I talk too much, and I know how much it annoys people. When I speak, it helps people to realize just how much they don't need me in their lives. It hurts, but not enough to make me angry. I'm not strong, but I am understanding. More often than not, people avoid me, but I get it. I'm too much on so many different levels. I'm not exactly proud of that, but I'm not ashamed either. I'm happy that I can recognize that. People like to think that I can’t tell when I’m boring them, but I can. Some had to teach me how to see it, but now I can tell when people are humoring me. It happens a lot more often that I ever wanted to believe. So, why even  say anything at all? Now, I just feel dumb when I talk about things. Yeah, it has a lot to do with low self esteem, but it also has a lot to do with people being fake. The fakeness, it’s like this mask that people wear, it’s a wall they hide behind. Instead of being honest, they’d rather spare your feelings by pretending to want you around. I understand why people do that, but I think that there are people who abuse it. I  can hear the confusion, hate, disgust, and most of all humor, in people’s tones when I speak. Sometimes, I can hear the very moment when a person stops listening, and blocks me out. So, there are times right before I go to sleep, when I think about getting needle and thread, and sewing my lips closed. Yes, it’s morbid, but I’d be doing myself, and so many others a favor.

 To you, it may look painful, but when I found this, it made me smile. To me, this is beautiful. I can’t help but wonder about that person. Real or fake, a statement is being made here. Maybe they feel the same way I do, maybe they feel guilty about the words that come out of their mouth. Maybe their mouth often got them into trouble, maybe they were tired of hearing their own voice. Or maybe they just wanted to know how it felt. Whatever the reason….I’m happy that I found this. I get happy when I find new things, even if it’s just a random photo. Like the needle and thread one. Or a picture of places like this.

 I don’t know where that is, but I don’t need to. It looks like the perfect place. For life, for death, for anything.  There could be anything beyond that fog, and I don’t think I would hesitate to find out. I’d walk slow, but I’d still go right on through. True, I don’t know for sure what I would find, but I know what I would want to find. Somewhere to sit, a place where I could very comfortably fall and stay asleep. A place that smells like Egyptian Musk. 

 Yes. This is perfection. Warm water, candles. As awkward as it would be, this tub, in that place would be pure magic. The moment would mean nothing without something to listen to. A song to hear, one that flows like warm wind through the air. A song that fit’s the atmosphere. 

 A song like this. It’s calm, it breathes….and it’s beautiful. Just like that place. It would be the perfect setting to say goodbye. To close my eyes, and take my very last breathes. Everything would just melt away, piece by piece. 

 See, I have these tiny little demons inside my head. True, they’re tiny but they don’t exactly tread lightly, and they work fast. They run around inside my head, so fast and so often that they’re making it damn near impossible to use all my emotions anymore. My excitement towards things is almost totally gone. There are exciting things happening around me, and I’m happy, but I’m not excited. I’m proud, but I’m not excited. I know how it sounds, I do. It sounds as if I don’t care about others being happy, and having lives to be proud of. That’s not the case, not at all. The people I love, and care about will always make me happy in some way or another. I will always be happy for the good things they get out of life, that will never change. The thing is, it’s nobody’s fault but my own that certain feelings of mine are being taken over by the mind numbing little demons that are taking over my mind. I’m not strong enough to handle real life, and I’m not about to pin that on somebody else. 

 You know, some people don’t believe that depression is real. They think it’s some made up thing, created by weak people who feel sorry for themselves, and pin all of their problems on others. Well….to each their own opinion. Each and every one of us is a different person. A person with opinions of our own. However, I will never agree with the small minded view. The small minded view that just because one person handles life their way, that it will work for everybody else around them. Depression is a disease, and diseases kill. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I genuinely hate myself. I don’t blame my issues on other people. My sadness and heartbreak is just a part of me that happens to be stronger than other parts of me. Some people in this world are just sad, and don’t want to be alive. That’s just how some people happen to be. It's a fact. It maybe sad, it may hurt, but it's real. Just because others don’t really understand that feeling, doesn’t mean they have to be mean, and judgmental about it, but they always will be. That’s how other people are. Again, we’re all different. Understanding should be part of that difference, but it’s not. People will forever lash out against what’s different. There will always be people in this world who feel like it’s normal to insult, and judge those who are so different, that they don’t understand. These are people that will never grasp a certain concept. That just because they don’t understand or agree with something, they have to destroy and insult it. That to me…it’s painful. I don’t like how that makes me feel. So, when I feel like escaping to a world where, my mouth is sewn shut, and I’m dying in a bathtub, in the middle of a colorful little foggy world….I’ll do that. Because in my mind, that’s just better. It hurts less, and it’s just better than the real things. People will read my words, and study my thoughts, and they will automatically assume that I’m negative towards life. If that’s how it seems to people, fine. Everybody is allowed to have their own thoughts. I don’t believe that my thoughts towards death are all negative. Death scares me, but it also gives me this overwhelming feeling of a peace that lasts forever and ever. I should probably hide most of the things that I feel, I know that I should. This world isn’t mature enough to handle some of the thoughts that people have these days. It’s just how it happens to be now, you know?  My honesty will always turn most people against me, and it hurts, but it’s real. The real truth is, I’d happily take my very last breath listening to beautiful music, in the middle of a colorful fog, thinking about the few things in life that made me smile more often that not. Accept it, or don’t. You’re allowed to feel however it is that you feel.

Mad World

It’s so ironic that I wish that I was never born, because honestly, I feel like I’m already dead. Morbid, I know but it’s the truth, and at this point, I don’t see any reason to hide it. Most people already know. Whenever I wake up, I get upset. Sleep is almost like being dead, and I like it. The times when I’m ready to sleep, and can’t seem to get there, it’s almost devastating in a way. I think I’ve been freaking people out, and it’s not something I’m proud of. I don’t like doing that to people. I don’t really have that much to live for, so when I do go out and do things, and spend time with people, I get overly excited, and end up feeling really thankful by the end. People don’t like that, but I understand. They don’t get what it is that I go back to once my time with them is over. They don’t live with the same demons that I do, so I don’t bother getting offended when people push me away. I just don’t think it would be fair. My head is in a very scary place, it has been for a long time, and will be until I die. That’s just how it is. So when I apologize to people for being a downer, I’m not just saying that, it’s a genuine apology.  When I apologize for being bothersome, or tell a person that I don’t feel like bothering them, I’m not just saying that. I’m not trying to make anybody feel bad, I’m just being honest, I really do feel bad. People don’t always believe that, but arguing is pointless. Defending my feelings is pointless. I know to a lot of people, having their feelings hurt, or hearing a person’s negative opinion is nothing. That’s alright, to each their own. I’m just not one of those people. I’m sensitive, I take things personally, and I can’t really handle things. I don’t expect people to tip toe around me, and make sure that don’t say anything that I can’t handle. But, I feel like I can’t win with some people, and it makes me feel crazy. Like, when somebody knows that I’m hiding how I really feel, or that I’m holding back on certain things, they get all mad. Even if I vocalize that I’d rather not say what’s on my mind, they push until I do say it. Then I let it out, and get criticized for how I feel. Like I said, with some people, there is no winning. Which is why I think I’d rather just keep my mouth shut and pretend like things people say or do don’t effect me so much. It’s easier. It’s not really less painful, but it is easier, and I’d rather just go with that.

 When I dream about suicide, it always has something to do with somebody’s last words to me. A few people in particular. They say something to me, I don’t say anything back. I take it, run with it, and sometime later, I’m jumping from a rooftop, or swallowing a bunch of pills. Some would see that as morbid, but I don’t. With my state of mind right now, those are the good dreams. I like those dreams, because when I’m dead, nothing hurts anymore. Nobody is making me feel stupid just for being who I am. When I close my eyes, and sleep, and see myself living through this epic pain, that takes my body to a level of Hell that’s hard for anybody else to imagine, and I live through it….those are the nightmares. It’s like the lyrics from “Mad World”.

“And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad. The dreams in which I'm dying, are the best I've ever had.” 

I love that song, and those lyrics are my favorite part of that song. The bitter sweetness of it sends chills down my spine. It’s one of those songs that understands how I feel, one that listens to me, while I listen to it. I don’t care how crazy I sound, when it comes to a song like that, and lyrics like those, my mind goes on a well deserved vacation. In this moment, I can’t help but smile, because I’m writing this, listening to that song, and even the incense that I’m burning has timing like nobody would believe. I’m burning two sticks. One is Lemon, and the other is Vanilla. If that’s not bittersweet, I don’t know what is. That’s how I feel about death. That’s one of my demons. Maybe even two of my demons. Wanting to kill yourself, and being terrified of life after death is not a combination I would wish on anybody. Not even on my worst enemy. It makes me feel crazy, it’s like having a full out war going on inside of my head. Like the Incubus song, Oil and Water.

“You and I are like oil and water. We've been trying, trying, trying Ohh, to mix it up.”

Oh my god, it’s lyrical perfection to me. Just pure understanding of what goes on inside my head. Songs like that are why I trust music more than I trust people. Why I have my headphones in my ears more often than not, why being a musician is such a big part of who I am as a person.  Music has a better understanding of me than even my own family members do. That’s probably the best addiction I have. Sure, the razor blade kisses are the sweetest to me, but music is a drug to me, and I will take that magical little pill anytime, anywhere. When you are a musician, you are a super hero. I don’t care if you’re a rapper, a country singer, a lyricist, you could play nothing but the freaking triangle, it doesn’t matter. You are part of something so special.  I’m pretty sure it was Hayley Williams who said this.

“What motivates me is seeing people in the crowd and wondering what they’re going home to and what they’re dealing with, and knowing that for the being we’re their escape.”

Okay, that right there is why the woman should be wearing damn cape everywhere she goes. That’s the kind of musician I wanted to be. Only now, I’m a huge hypocrite when it comes to that, because I’ll sing to save your life any day, but I will sing not one note to save my own. That is part of why I will never be the kind of musician I wish I could have been. 

For months now I’ve been wanting to just end it. Close my eyes, and never have to open them again. I don’t want to leave the music. In death, I will hear nothing, which means music will no longer be a part of me. People will call me selfish for that, people have. I don’t think it is selfish, but everyone has their own opinion, and that’s alright. Personally, I get upset when people make certain comments about suicide being selfish. Yes, you’re leaving people behind that may or may not love you. Yes, you’re denying future friends and or family the chance to know you. Yes, little children in your life will be confused about why you were here one minute, then suddenly gone. Those are all things to think about, very important things to think about. The thing that bothers me the most about the whole “Selfish” thing is simple. You don’t know what another person’s pain feels like, and you never will, because you will never be that person. God love you for wanting a person you care about to stick around for a bit longer, you’re not wrong for that. However, if you use anger and insults towards a person that wants to end their life, you are only adding fuel to the fire. To me, that is a mistake. That would be like setting fire to a piece of paper and asking “Oh no, why did it burn?” Do you see where I’m going with this? By all means, feel how you want towards this, it is your God given right to be angry if you feel you need to be. Just don’t be surprised when you don’t get the result you expected. That being said, telling a person to “Stop being depressed” is also a mistake in my opinion. Depression is not a light switch, you can’t just turn it off. To me, turning it off would equal shooting yourself in the head. 

“Get over it.”

“Cheer up.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“I got through it alright, so you should be fine too.”

People seem to think that those are the magic words to cure a person’s head issues.  Two people in particular stick out in my mind when it comes to those phrases. They were overused on me for the last twenty-six years. When people say those things to me now, I smile on through it, and keep my mouth shut, but on the inside, I’m screaming and beating myself in the head. Yes, there are things you can do to help a person with depression, anxiety, and other disorders. Pretending that the problem isn’t there, and telling them to “Cheer up”….is not going to make the demons go away. Not if the demons are anything like the ones dancing around inside of my head. They’re cruel little things. I wish I could be creative about it, and say that my demons probably look like the little monster in the lamisil commercials, but they don’t. Oh my God, can you imagine? Anyways, I think it’s time for me to stop talking for now. There’s music waiting to be heard, and who am I to ignore the call of pure magic?

♪Trusting in Music....Music is Trust♫

Sometimes, trusting music is easier than trusting people. I've said that before, so many times. For years, I've had that belief, and I've been called crazy for having that belief. Only, I don't believe that makes me crazy. It's just a fact. A personal little fact about myself that I've learned to be at peace with. There are people that I do trust, but there are also a lot people that I don't trust. People I know that I can't or shouldn't trust. Music is different for me. I probably trust more songs than I do people. I believe that when you listen to music, it listens back. Music always seems to know how you feel. More often than not, it puts things into perspective, and brings real passion into your thoughts. Simple, everyday thoughts, can be brought to life with just one song. That's why I'm a musician. Just knowing that I can do that for people, knowing that I can clear minds, and save lives, all with music....that's so beautiful to me. I think that musicians hold more emotion, more power and understanding than some of them even know.

During high school, I was all about Linkin Park, and Blink-182. I still love both bands to this day. Only during that time, I needed them more. I'll spare the details of why that was such a weird time in my life. Lets face it, I wasn't the only one dealing with complications around then. Junior High and High School....I think most of us can chalk that time up to one, very simple abbreviation."WTF"

Everybody deals with their own things around that time in their lives. For me, it was rough, but I had a few different outlets. Music being one of those outlets. It was an escape. An epically beautiful escape.

Linkin Park was a miracle in my eyes. Their album, Hybrid Theory was popular at that time in my life. Now, I love all of their albums, I really do, but that album will always be my favorite. I'm not saying anything they did after that was bad, I don't think that at all. I just connected best with the songs from Hybrid Theory. Every single song on that album spoke to me. Spoke for me. Helped me to understand some of the feelings that I was dealing with. Sadness, anger, loneliness, pride....you name it, that music helped me to understand it. Like, the song "By Myself"....if that song, and those lyrics didn't explain being a teenager going to a public high school....a person that was different than most, I have no idea what lyrics could!

♫"What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?" ♫

To me, those lyrics apply to anytime in some people's lives, but they made the most sense to me back then. Insecurities haunt some of us long after childhood, but they seem stronger during the earlier years. During that time in life when you're starting to really find out where you belong. Or even if you belong."Adam's Song" by Blink-182....one of my favorite songs, since the moment it graced my ears with it's presence. The lyrics are just so real, and for more than just one reason. It's a song to connect to, with words so true, you swear they're reading your mind. You can't help but wonder, how does this song know me so well....where do they get off breaking into my subconscious, my GOD I swear, this song is about me. Those lyrics, that song....words of wisdom, lyrics that stand for a truth that most people don't wish to hear. It's real. It exists, and it's real.

That's not even a taste of what music has done for me. Not even a pinch. These days, musicians have more appreciation for feelings, a bigger hunger for truth. People are able to sing in a way that doesn't dare compare to any form of expression.

Lets go to another Blink-182 song. One from a more resent album of theirs. The album is "Neighborhoods"....a super full bowl of Awesome Sauce. The song is "Heart's All Gone (Interlude)"....no words. Just music. Just sound. Piano and Guitar being the main focus. Oh my God, music itself being the main focus. It's one of those songs, one that just lays it all out there for you. It starts off....so unsure, with such simplicity. The first forty-eight seconds make me unsure. Almost as if I'm trying to decide whether or not I could conquer the world or not. It brings certain buried thoughts to the surface. Makes me wonder what could be. With everything in my past....could the future mean bigger, better, more important things? The rest of that song answers those questions. It transitions into more than I ever thought possible. Yes, I can push, yes I can fight. Hell yes, l can. The ability is there. It's half dead, but it's there. I can bring it to life, I can take what this music makes me feel, and I can use it. I can use it as a heartbeat, as power. That's what kind of music that it is to me, and what I believe it can, will, and does for others."Cure For the Itch" by Linkin Park is another one of those songs. It starts off lazy. Almost like the song itself has given up, and doesn't know what to do with itself. It sounds like it's trying so hard. Fighting to stay alive. You listen, you tune into it....suddenly....you really hear it. The song finds it's strength, the power, everything it's fighting for. The song realizes it's potential and pushes itself. By the end of that song, you feel super powers running through your veins.

Lana Del Rey, and Adele....the way they sing is beautiful to me. They both have singing voices that remind me of a past that I don't even know. Their voices take me to a place that I've never known. If I could control what I see while listening to their music, imagine things to life....everything would be in slow motion, slowly fading to black and white. Sure, music itself can take you places, I'll always believe that. But....the voices....oh my God the voices. Some people just know where to take you and how to take you there.

Music, with or without voices....it just holds so much power. I feel like people don't pay enough attention to that. Like right now, as I'm writing this, I'm listening to a song called "Drizzle"....there are no words. It's just music, it's just the perfect sound right now. The reason why it's perfect at this moment in time....it's raining. Not even raining.

It's drizzling.

That's how perfect it is.

I found a moment. A beautiful moment. Or maybe it found me. Either way, I can't ignore it, not even if I wanted to. It speaks to me just as loud as it speaks to the moment. It's perfection. The music, the beat....it's flowing with every drop of rain that I'm seeing, every drop I feel on my skin. My heart beat....it's matching....it's so in sync. I love it, I'm embracing it . I will not let go of this feeling until I absolutely have to. This is what I live for, this is the hold that music has over me. It makes me feel....like singing to my heart's content. It could be my own song, my own lyrics. Only....I just feel like singing somebody elses song.

See, I have this respect for Covers. I love when people sing music that's known. Songs that are loved. It shows this respect, this love and appreciation. Admiration like no other. Like Emily Browning, singing "Asleep" by The Smiths. That song, those lyrics....already so powerful, so real. She took it to another place, a place that needed to be explored. Her voice takes an already epic song, and turns it into something different, something so new. It's beautiful to me.

I could go on forever about this, I really could, but for now....I'll stop. For me, music is easier to trust. It doesn't hurt me. It doesn't make me feel bad about who I am as a person. It's opinionated in a way that doesn't tear me down. It doesn't abandon, or leave me, it's always here for me. It drowns out the screaming, the yelling, and monsters that I see and hear everyday. It doesn't make my head hurt. It doesn't threaten me, and tell me just how much I don't belong. It's encouraging, not discouraging. Yes, it makes me cry sometimes, but they are tears of jot, more often than not. Music doesn't treat me like garbage, I respects me just as much as I respect it. It doesn't blow me off, it doesn't shut me out. It just heals me. It's the greatest kind of band aid there is.

There's this saying I see a lot. I'm not sure if it's just a saying, or if it's a quote from a book, or a movie or a person. I have no idea where it came from. Maybe it's lyrics that I just haven't discovered yet, who knows."If you could read my mind, you'd be in tears."

That makes so much sense to me. Probably more than it should, but those words speak to me. Like music speaks to me. If music took human form....I'd hug it, and never let it go.

Fireworks & Moments Worth Remembering

 There can sometimes be these incredible moments that happen in life. You're at this weird point where everything seems to be standing still. Nothing you want is in reach, and everything that you're trying desperately to hang onto seems to slipping away faster and faster as each day passes by. The more tears you cry, the slower your heart beats, and giving up just feels so right. Going through the motions isn't even a justifiable way to describe it anymore.

 There are so many monsters inside of my head. Telling me how to feel. Forcing me to think about things. Not voices, I don't have schizophrenia, or anything like that. The monsters are negative, mean, hurtful memories from the past. Echos that I've been hearing my whole life. I used to think that they came went on and off, from time to time. Now, I'm thinking that they never really go anywhere. They're always there, just waiting the remind me. Waiting to mock, and bully me. It's almost ironic. I don't handle bullying well, I'm the person that cowers into a corner when it's happening to me. Yet, it's my own thoughts and memories that are backing me into the corner. It's so frustrating, it's almost like I might as well be punching myself in the face, or pulling my own hair. My brain is already telling me how much I suck at life, and meaningless my existence truly is. How empty I'll always be. It's no secret what that is, at least it's not to me. My low self esteem took a pretty serious turn for the worse at some point. That's part of why I think talking to people about myself is a huge waste of time. I don't have all good things to say about myself, so when I'm honest about it, I get yelled at. People get angry, and snap at me. Telling me that I shouldn't think those things about myself, and that they aren't true. Only, they just don't understand it enough to respond in a way that makes me comfortable. I don't get mad at those people, ever. I really do understand why certain people get so fired up about my self loathing issue. They just don't get how complicated it really is.

 When you are told for years and years by people that you being so much different is bad, and that you shouldn't be how you are. When they tell you that you're appearance, and the way that you choose to look is weird, and unacceptable. When they look at you like you're crazy as Hell for saying something that's on your mind. When they spend so much time and effort breaking you down. All of that, it tends to stick, and it sticks hard. For some of us, all of that will reflect on our future, even if we don't think it will. For some, it only makes them stronger, and proving those people wrong becomes a huge part of daily life. There is nothing wrong with that in my eyes. Hell, I wish I would have landed on that side of the fence, but I didn't. Not everybody does. What people don't understand, is that....you can't just get rid of that over night. Like I said, it sticks hard. Eventually, it makes you think the worst of yourself. It's not like pressing a button, and having it all go away. Especially not when you're yelled at and made to feel stupid for thinking bad things about yourself. You might a well be pouring gasoline onto a fire. When you call a person stupid for thinking thinking that they, themselves, are stupid, the outcome will either be the same, or a little worse. Either way, it's not right. It's always nice to hear that somebody doesn't have those same horrible thoughts about you. It's not nice when they respond with anger. It just hurts more. Maybe that's just me being the overly sensitive person that I am. Regardless, it doesn't feel good.

When a person is pretty much at the end of their rope, I think one of the worst things you can do is respond negativity. You might as well be the one that takes the final tug, and pulls the rope away. Then, you just watch them fall. Down, down, down until they hit the bottom. Then what? Nothing. You've accomplished nothing. Tone is everything, and it's not always easy to have control over, but I feel like people don't even try anymore. They are all too happy to be the bigger person, and the only way they can do that is to make you feel as small as they possibly can. Like for people who self harm.

“You're stupid to hurt yourself like that!”

“Why would you do that to yourself?”

“If you really cared about me, you'd stop doing that.”

“If you don't stop doing that, I'm done with you.”

“You're crazy.”

“I don't understand why you do that.”

 Exactly. You don't understand, you just said it yourself. So, how can you stand there, and say all those things? Especially if you don't understand. You can't force people to understand things that they don't, at least not right away. But, I think that people who don't fully understand things right away have some things to learn too. Like, just because you don't get it, doesn't mean you have to insult it, or make somebody else feel like garbage. Self harming, or people who use drugs. People who have alcohol addictions, people who have eating disorders, or phobias. Depression, Anxiety, all of that. You can't turn it off over night. Which brings me back to the whole low self esteem thing. You can't just turn it off. Not with a switch, not with a button, and not with negativity. Some would call it tough love, and maybe that works for some people. Anger only pushes people like me, deeper and deeper down. It fuels the fire. Because now I'm thinking....

“They agree with me, they're right. I'm stupid, and everything I do hurts people and makes them angry. Nobody really understands, so I might as well just sew my mouth shut with a needle and thread, and call it a day.”

 See? That may sound dramatic to some, but for me, and others like me, it's way too real. It's the reason why some people choose to suffer in silence. Judgment is around every corner. Hate waits on your doorstep like a unwanted guest on a daily basis. Sure, it's easy for some to ignore, but not all of us. Some people in this world might as well me blind and deaf, because it seems like the only way to escape the monsters. The fear, and pain, the Devil and all his games. There is evil in this world, and it comes in all shapes and sizes. All forms. It's in people's words, and actions. It's in people's eyes, and it sits over all of our heads like a dark cloud. Waiting to rain down on everybody that still has love inside of their hearts. It's all too easy to caught up in. To me, it doesn't matter where you stand, the monsters can always get to you. Some people don't care. They're ready for their world to end. It's when the monsters go after the ones we love. That's when we choose to stand up and fight. I can't lie, I'd fight for whoever is in my heart, for whatever reason. When it comes to myself, it means nothing. It's been like that for a very long time, and I'll admit, it's gotten me into a lot of trouble. Things might be different for me today, had I cared about myself before. My mind might be a little more clear.

 So, when one of those incredible little moments comes along, I can't help but put so much behind it. Like tonight. I heard these weird little explosion noises coming from outside. I knew what it was right away, and I had to smile. Anybody that really knows me, knows that I have this awkward obsession with fireworks. I mean, I enter another world when there are fireworks going off. I went outside, and sure enough in the distance, there were this amazingly beautiful display of fireworks. The bests kinds. The gold and white ones that kinda rain down after they explode. The ones that shoot straight up, and disappear for a moment, only when they finally do go off, it's big and beautiful. When I see those, I can't help but think about that is probably one of the best ways to make an entrance. I saw every color, and even though I was already listening to music....I didn't really need to be. Watching fireworks is like watching certain music take visual form. It's just so easy to get lost in the lights, the fire, and the colors. Even the sound. When I was standing there, watching them....everything just went away. The monsters inside of my head, the pain in my heart....everything. It was just gone for a little while. For once, the tears I was crying were tears of joy. It was one of the best feelings I have felt in a very long time. Sure, the moment is gone now. But, I have the memory, and that means more to me than I think I'll ever be able to really describe.

 There can sometimes be these incredible moments that happen in life. My advice is, when those things to happen....try not to forget them. Try to keep the monsters away from those memories. Those are the moments that can make you smile later on down the road. And it's beautiful. Even if only for a moment.