Reoccurring Connection between Love & Evil

Reoccurring Connection Between Love & Evil

Reoccurring nightmares haunt people like me, for years. Nightmares are bad memories and fear that are stuck in your brain. That's my opinion, I'm not stating that as a fact. When a nightmare repeats itself over and over again, that means it has implanted itself into your brain, and has zero plans to vacate. Again, simply my opinion. To me, that's terrifying, I feel for people who have reoccurring nightmares, because I know how much it hurts. I know how frightening it can be. It's very easy to get frustrated, especially with yourself. I get angry with myself, because I don't know how to get these nightmares out of my head. Let me paint you a picture, a very scary one.

I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, below there is nothing but fire and the voices of people screaming. Somebody always screams "I'm burning for being myself." Every single time, and it makes me cry. In my left ear, somebody whispers "Crying doesn't save you, it only makes you weak." My left ear is ripped off. I can't scream, my mouth has been sewn shut. In my right ear, a whisper...."Everything you are is sin, and that is why you have to stay forever." My right ear is ripped off, and I'm pushed from the cliff into the fire below. I feel myself burning, and the nightmare ends.

My worst enemy could ask me to give them that experience, and I would refuse. I have a few theories about that nightmare, regardless, I wish that it would stop haunting me. The strangest thing about it, is that it connects to a reoccurring dream I have. Let me paint you a much prettier picture.

I'm sitting on a beach at night, surrounded by a circle of people. I don't recognize these people, but it feels like these people are my friends. I see that they are talking, and laughing but I can't hear their voices. I hear guitar music, and the waves. It smells like Fantasia incense, and burning firewood. There are so many stars in the sky, it makes me cry. In my left ear, a loving voice tells me "It's okay to cry, it makes you human." I'm kissed on my left cheek, somebody holds my left hand. In my right ear, I hear, "We love you for you, please stay with us forever." I'm kissed on my right cheek, and my right hand is held. I close my eyes, and that's the end. 

I feel lucky when I have that dream. Most mornings, I cry when I wake up because it makes me sad that I'm still alive. When I have that dream, I don't cry because I'm sad. I cry, because I'm happy. The nightmare came first, and it scares me as much now as it did the first time it happened. I needed it to be a one time occurrence, but of course, it was not. The second time it happened, I knew it was here to stay, and I was devastated. Having that kind of evil in my head makes me feel like a monster. I grew up thinking that my appearance and personality would send me to Hell. I've said it before, this is a place where differences are not welcomed with open arms. Something must have triggered me, because lost memories are coming home. The nightmare started months ago.

The dream started a few weeks ago, and I knew right away where it came from. It's so similar to the nightmare, it wasn't hard for me to figure it out. My brain created a counter world to escape that nightmare. That nightmare scares me so much, that I created it's much nicer cousin, without even knowing it. I didn't go to sleep thinking "I need to push the nightmare away with a better world"....it just happened. They're both so short, the length of a dream or nightmare that fades the very second you open your eyes. These don't fade, they hover than hide until they're ready to come out and play again. The nightmare is a Hell issue obviously. So, anybody could assume that the dream is a Heaven thing. Only, it's not. The nightmare feels like Hell, the dream doesn't feel like Heaven. It just feels like a better place, one that I could be in and not hear the monsters all the time. They're so loud these days, I can barely hear anything else. I drown them out with music as often as I can. There's lyrics to match the dream.

♫"This is happiness, to be everything at once.

Be un-blinded, be unlearned, be unbridled and un-burned." ♫

Those lyrics are from a song called "No Parallels" by Hands like Houses. One of my favorite songs and bands ever. Anyways, the lyrics remind me of the place in my dream. I haven't been able to match lyrics to the nightmare, but I believe that to be a positive thing. 

I have a pretty solid idea of what's coming my way soon. I'm scared, but, it's alright. This world isn't a place that I need to be, there is no help. Not for me. I'm still okay with that. I just hope whoever takes my place, has a purpose. 

Just a small town girl, living inside of her head.

If only rooms with padded walls looked like dreams. It wouldn't be so bad, right? I've heard depression described as drowning, but never dying. That makes more sense to me than it should, it's so accurate. I've always liked to swim, so it seems like I wouldn't mind being suspended in a body of water, for a long period of time. However, I have to admit, twenty some odd years is a long time to be swimming. I know, it's not really water. Instead of my lungs filling with water, it's doubt, shame, anxiety and last but not least, all my lovely little demons. The angry little monsters that reside inside of my head, reminding me on a daily basis that life doesn't need me. It feels like they're dancing on my cerebrum, and oh my God, I don't think I have ever once used that word before. Anyways, if I'm right, that's the part of the brain that controls memory. 

My memories come and go pretty frequently, it's very frustrating. When lost memories come back, it's aggressive. Like being punched in the brain with a fist full of fuck you. Excuse my language, but that's what it feels like. It's all part of the emotional roller coaster that is post traumatic stress. Incase you're wondering, there's no height requirement for this ride, and you will vomit. 
Every day is worse than the last. It's not the company I keep, because I'm not anywhere near the people that chewed me up and spit me out. It's not my environment, I'm not in the wonderful world of Western New York anymore. Don't take that seriously, because I took the word wonderful, and dipped it in a huge glass of sarcasm. I guess I'm just done. The things I was good at, the things that used to save me from myself, they're a thing of the past now. My camera used to be my best friend, but I am no longer able to do any favors for the art of photography.  

Writing was always a good outlet. Obviously, it still can be at times. I have this blog. Sadly, it's all that remains. Song lyrics, poems, screenplays, I stopped all of it. It felt like I was ruining something. It was the same feeling with my acting, and my music. I actually think I remember when I decided to kill my music. I was in the middle of writing lyrics, and they mentioned something about playing my veins like violin strings, with a razor blade. Super morbid, I know. I wouldn't recommend having a self harm addiction to my worst enemy. It's like having your demons on the outside. Anyways, I remember looking at those words, and wanting to cry. I probably did, because it had nothing to do with the rest of the song. It was just a random damn thought that I had, and it was scary. So yes, I'm a coward and I ran away from my own music. 

I'm an artistic disaster for sure, I've claimed that proudly for a long time. Only, you can be an artist and suck really badly at it. Turns out my photos are super generic, and my writing is that of a twelve year olds. Luckily, the person that pointed that out hates my blog. Their eyes are saved from this entry, yay! I didn't plan on updating, but I needed something to do. I am antsy, I can't sleep, and the demons are having a dance party in my head. Their music must have lots of bass, because my head hurts so bad, that I can't see straight. That's my cue I suppose. 

Life, Death & Perfection

 I think about silencing myself sometimes. It would hurt a lot, but I think that it would be worth it. I talk too much, and I know how much it annoys people. When I speak, it helps people to realize just how much they don't need me in their lives. It hurts, but not enough to make me angry. I'm not strong, but I am understanding. More often than not, people avoid me, but I get it. I'm too much on so many different levels. I'm not exactly proud of that, but I'm not ashamed either. I'm happy that I can recognize that. People like to think that I can’t tell when I’m boring them, but I can. Some had to teach me how to see it, but now I can tell when people are humoring me. It happens a lot more often that I ever wanted to believe. So, why even  say anything at all? Now, I just feel dumb when I talk about things. Yeah, it has a lot to do with low self esteem, but it also has a lot to do with people being fake. The fakeness, it’s like this mask that people wear, it’s a wall they hide behind. Instead of being honest, they’d rather spare your feelings by pretending to want you around. I understand why people do that, but I think that there are people who abuse it. I  can hear the confusion, hate, disgust, and most of all humor, in people’s tones when I speak. Sometimes, I can hear the very moment when a person stops listening, and blocks me out. So, there are times right before I go to sleep, when I think about getting needle and thread, and sewing my lips closed. Yes, it’s morbid, but I’d be doing myself, and so many others a favor.

 To you, it may look painful, but when I found this, it made me smile. To me, this is beautiful. I can’t help but wonder about that person. Real or fake, a statement is being made here. Maybe they feel the same way I do, maybe they feel guilty about the words that come out of their mouth. Maybe their mouth often got them into trouble, maybe they were tired of hearing their own voice. Or maybe they just wanted to know how it felt. Whatever the reason….I’m happy that I found this. I get happy when I find new things, even if it’s just a random photo. Like the needle and thread one. Or a picture of places like this.

 I don’t know where that is, but I don’t need to. It looks like the perfect place. For life, for death, for anything.  There could be anything beyond that fog, and I don’t think I would hesitate to find out. I’d walk slow, but I’d still go right on through. True, I don’t know for sure what I would find, but I know what I would want to find. Somewhere to sit, a place where I could very comfortably fall and stay asleep. A place that smells like Egyptian Musk. 

 Yes. This is perfection. Warm water, candles. As awkward as it would be, this tub, in that place would be pure magic. The moment would mean nothing without something to listen to. A song to hear, one that flows like warm wind through the air. A song that fit’s the atmosphere. 

 A song like this. It’s calm, it breathes….and it’s beautiful. Just like that place. It would be the perfect setting to say goodbye. To close my eyes, and take my very last breathes. Everything would just melt away, piece by piece. 

 See, I have these tiny little demons inside my head. True, they’re tiny but they don’t exactly tread lightly, and they work fast. They run around inside my head, so fast and so often that they’re making it damn near impossible to use all my emotions anymore. My excitement towards things is almost totally gone. There are exciting things happening around me, and I’m happy, but I’m not excited. I’m proud, but I’m not excited. I know how it sounds, I do. It sounds as if I don’t care about others being happy, and having lives to be proud of. That’s not the case, not at all. The people I love, and care about will always make me happy in some way or another. I will always be happy for the good things they get out of life, that will never change. The thing is, it’s nobody’s fault but my own that certain feelings of mine are being taken over by the mind numbing little demons that are taking over my mind. I’m not strong enough to handle real life, and I’m not about to pin that on somebody else. 

 You know, some people don’t believe that depression is real. They think it’s some made up thing, created by weak people who feel sorry for themselves, and pin all of their problems on others. Well….to each their own opinion. Each and every one of us is a different person. A person with opinions of our own. However, I will never agree with the small minded view. The small minded view that just because one person handles life their way, that it will work for everybody else around them. Depression is a disease, and diseases kill. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I genuinely hate myself. I don’t blame my issues on other people. My sadness and heartbreak is just a part of me that happens to be stronger than other parts of me. Some people in this world are just sad, and don’t want to be alive. That’s just how some people happen to be. It's a fact. It maybe sad, it may hurt, but it's real. Just because others don’t really understand that feeling, doesn’t mean they have to be mean, and judgmental about it, but they always will be. That’s how other people are. Again, we’re all different. Understanding should be part of that difference, but it’s not. People will forever lash out against what’s different. There will always be people in this world who feel like it’s normal to insult, and judge those who are so different, that they don’t understand. These are people that will never grasp a certain concept. That just because they don’t understand or agree with something, they have to destroy and insult it. That to me…it’s painful. I don’t like how that makes me feel. So, when I feel like escaping to a world where, my mouth is sewn shut, and I’m dying in a bathtub, in the middle of a colorful little foggy world….I’ll do that. Because in my mind, that’s just better. It hurts less, and it’s just better than the real things. People will read my words, and study my thoughts, and they will automatically assume that I’m negative towards life. If that’s how it seems to people, fine. Everybody is allowed to have their own thoughts. I don’t believe that my thoughts towards death are all negative. Death scares me, but it also gives me this overwhelming feeling of a peace that lasts forever and ever. I should probably hide most of the things that I feel, I know that I should. This world isn’t mature enough to handle some of the thoughts that people have these days. It’s just how it happens to be now, you know?  My honesty will always turn most people against me, and it hurts, but it’s real. The real truth is, I’d happily take my very last breath listening to beautiful music, in the middle of a colorful fog, thinking about the few things in life that made me smile more often that not. Accept it, or don’t. You’re allowed to feel however it is that you feel.

♪Trusting in Music....Music is Trust♫

Sometimes, trusting music is easier than trusting people. I've said that before, so many times. For years, I've had that belief, and I've been called crazy for having that belief. Only, I don't believe that makes me crazy. It's just a fact. A personal little fact about myself that I've learned to be at peace with. There are people that I do trust, but there are also a lot people that I don't trust. People I know that I can't or shouldn't trust. Music is different for me. I probably trust more songs than I do people. I believe that when you listen to music, it listens back. Music always seems to know how you feel. More often than not, it puts things into perspective, and brings real passion into your thoughts. Simple, everyday thoughts, can be brought to life with just one song. That's why I'm a musician. Just knowing that I can do that for people, knowing that I can clear minds, and save lives, all with music....that's so beautiful to me. I think that musicians hold more emotion, more power and understanding than some of them even know.

During high school, I was all about Linkin Park, and Blink-182. I still love both bands to this day. Only during that time, I needed them more. I'll spare the details of why that was such a weird time in my life. Lets face it, I wasn't the only one dealing with complications around then. Junior High and High School....I think most of us can chalk that time up to one, very simple abbreviation."WTF"

Everybody deals with their own things around that time in their lives. For me, it was rough, but I had a few different outlets. Music being one of those outlets. It was an escape. An epically beautiful escape.

Linkin Park was a miracle in my eyes. Their album, Hybrid Theory was popular at that time in my life. Now, I love all of their albums, I really do, but that album will always be my favorite. I'm not saying anything they did after that was bad, I don't think that at all. I just connected best with the songs from Hybrid Theory. Every single song on that album spoke to me. Spoke for me. Helped me to understand some of the feelings that I was dealing with. Sadness, anger, loneliness, pride....you name it, that music helped me to understand it. Like, the song "By Myself"....if that song, and those lyrics didn't explain being a teenager going to a public high school....a person that was different than most, I have no idea what lyrics could!

♫"What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?" ♫

To me, those lyrics apply to anytime in some people's lives, but they made the most sense to me back then. Insecurities haunt some of us long after childhood, but they seem stronger during the earlier years. During that time in life when you're starting to really find out where you belong. Or even if you belong."Adam's Song" by Blink-182....one of my favorite songs, since the moment it graced my ears with it's presence. The lyrics are just so real, and for more than just one reason. It's a song to connect to, with words so true, you swear they're reading your mind. You can't help but wonder, how does this song know me so well....where do they get off breaking into my subconscious, my GOD I swear, this song is about me. Those lyrics, that song....words of wisdom, lyrics that stand for a truth that most people don't wish to hear. It's real. It exists, and it's real.

That's not even a taste of what music has done for me. Not even a pinch. These days, musicians have more appreciation for feelings, a bigger hunger for truth. People are able to sing in a way that doesn't dare compare to any form of expression.

Lets go to another Blink-182 song. One from a more resent album of theirs. The album is "Neighborhoods"....a super full bowl of Awesome Sauce. The song is "Heart's All Gone (Interlude)"....no words. Just music. Just sound. Piano and Guitar being the main focus. Oh my God, music itself being the main focus. It's one of those songs, one that just lays it all out there for you. It starts off....so unsure, with such simplicity. The first forty-eight seconds make me unsure. Almost as if I'm trying to decide whether or not I could conquer the world or not. It brings certain buried thoughts to the surface. Makes me wonder what could be. With everything in my past....could the future mean bigger, better, more important things? The rest of that song answers those questions. It transitions into more than I ever thought possible. Yes, I can push, yes I can fight. Hell yes, l can. The ability is there. It's half dead, but it's there. I can bring it to life, I can take what this music makes me feel, and I can use it. I can use it as a heartbeat, as power. That's what kind of music that it is to me, and what I believe it can, will, and does for others."Cure For the Itch" by Linkin Park is another one of those songs. It starts off lazy. Almost like the song itself has given up, and doesn't know what to do with itself. It sounds like it's trying so hard. Fighting to stay alive. You listen, you tune into it....suddenly....you really hear it. The song finds it's strength, the power, everything it's fighting for. The song realizes it's potential and pushes itself. By the end of that song, you feel super powers running through your veins.

Lana Del Rey, and Adele....the way they sing is beautiful to me. They both have singing voices that remind me of a past that I don't even know. Their voices take me to a place that I've never known. If I could control what I see while listening to their music, imagine things to life....everything would be in slow motion, slowly fading to black and white. Sure, music itself can take you places, I'll always believe that. But....the voices....oh my God the voices. Some people just know where to take you and how to take you there.

Music, with or without voices....it just holds so much power. I feel like people don't pay enough attention to that. Like right now, as I'm writing this, I'm listening to a song called "Drizzle"....there are no words. It's just music, it's just the perfect sound right now. The reason why it's perfect at this moment in time....it's raining. Not even raining.

It's drizzling.

That's how perfect it is.

I found a moment. A beautiful moment. Or maybe it found me. Either way, I can't ignore it, not even if I wanted to. It speaks to me just as loud as it speaks to the moment. It's perfection. The music, the beat....it's flowing with every drop of rain that I'm seeing, every drop I feel on my skin. My heart beat....it's matching....it's so in sync. I love it, I'm embracing it . I will not let go of this feeling until I absolutely have to. This is what I live for, this is the hold that music has over me. It makes me feel....like singing to my heart's content. It could be my own song, my own lyrics. Only....I just feel like singing somebody elses song.

See, I have this respect for Covers. I love when people sing music that's known. Songs that are loved. It shows this respect, this love and appreciation. Admiration like no other. Like Emily Browning, singing "Asleep" by The Smiths. That song, those lyrics....already so powerful, so real. She took it to another place, a place that needed to be explored. Her voice takes an already epic song, and turns it into something different, something so new. It's beautiful to me.

I could go on forever about this, I really could, but for now....I'll stop. For me, music is easier to trust. It doesn't hurt me. It doesn't make me feel bad about who I am as a person. It's opinionated in a way that doesn't tear me down. It doesn't abandon, or leave me, it's always here for me. It drowns out the screaming, the yelling, and monsters that I see and hear everyday. It doesn't make my head hurt. It doesn't threaten me, and tell me just how much I don't belong. It's encouraging, not discouraging. Yes, it makes me cry sometimes, but they are tears of jot, more often than not. Music doesn't treat me like garbage, I respects me just as much as I respect it. It doesn't blow me off, it doesn't shut me out. It just heals me. It's the greatest kind of band aid there is.

There's this saying I see a lot. I'm not sure if it's just a saying, or if it's a quote from a book, or a movie or a person. I have no idea where it came from. Maybe it's lyrics that I just haven't discovered yet, who knows."If you could read my mind, you'd be in tears."

That makes so much sense to me. Probably more than it should, but those words speak to me. Like music speaks to me. If music took human form....I'd hug it, and never let it go.

Fireworks & Moments Worth Remembering

 There can sometimes be these incredible moments that happen in life. You're at this weird point where everything seems to be standing still. Nothing you want is in reach, and everything that you're trying desperately to hang onto seems to slipping away faster and faster as each day passes by. The more tears you cry, the slower your heart beats, and giving up just feels so right. Going through the motions isn't even a justifiable way to describe it anymore.

 There are so many monsters inside of my head. Telling me how to feel. Forcing me to think about things. Not voices, I don't have schizophrenia, or anything like that. The monsters are negative, mean, hurtful memories from the past. Echos that I've been hearing my whole life. I used to think that they came went on and off, from time to time. Now, I'm thinking that they never really go anywhere. They're always there, just waiting the remind me. Waiting to mock, and bully me. It's almost ironic. I don't handle bullying well, I'm the person that cowers into a corner when it's happening to me. Yet, it's my own thoughts and memories that are backing me into the corner. It's so frustrating, it's almost like I might as well be punching myself in the face, or pulling my own hair. My brain is already telling me how much I suck at life, and meaningless my existence truly is. How empty I'll always be. It's no secret what that is, at least it's not to me. My low self esteem took a pretty serious turn for the worse at some point. That's part of why I think talking to people about myself is a huge waste of time. I don't have all good things to say about myself, so when I'm honest about it, I get yelled at. People get angry, and snap at me. Telling me that I shouldn't think those things about myself, and that they aren't true. Only, they just don't understand it enough to respond in a way that makes me comfortable. I don't get mad at those people, ever. I really do understand why certain people get so fired up about my self loathing issue. They just don't get how complicated it really is.

 When you are told for years and years by people that you being so much different is bad, and that you shouldn't be how you are. When they tell you that you're appearance, and the way that you choose to look is weird, and unacceptable. When they look at you like you're crazy as Hell for saying something that's on your mind. When they spend so much time and effort breaking you down. All of that, it tends to stick, and it sticks hard. For some of us, all of that will reflect on our future, even if we don't think it will. For some, it only makes them stronger, and proving those people wrong becomes a huge part of daily life. There is nothing wrong with that in my eyes. Hell, I wish I would have landed on that side of the fence, but I didn't. Not everybody does. What people don't understand, is that....you can't just get rid of that over night. Like I said, it sticks hard. Eventually, it makes you think the worst of yourself. It's not like pressing a button, and having it all go away. Especially not when you're yelled at and made to feel stupid for thinking bad things about yourself. You might a well be pouring gasoline onto a fire. When you call a person stupid for thinking thinking that they, themselves, are stupid, the outcome will either be the same, or a little worse. Either way, it's not right. It's always nice to hear that somebody doesn't have those same horrible thoughts about you. It's not nice when they respond with anger. It just hurts more. Maybe that's just me being the overly sensitive person that I am. Regardless, it doesn't feel good.

When a person is pretty much at the end of their rope, I think one of the worst things you can do is respond negativity. You might as well be the one that takes the final tug, and pulls the rope away. Then, you just watch them fall. Down, down, down until they hit the bottom. Then what? Nothing. You've accomplished nothing. Tone is everything, and it's not always easy to have control over, but I feel like people don't even try anymore. They are all too happy to be the bigger person, and the only way they can do that is to make you feel as small as they possibly can. Like for people who self harm.

“You're stupid to hurt yourself like that!”

“Why would you do that to yourself?”

“If you really cared about me, you'd stop doing that.”

“If you don't stop doing that, I'm done with you.”

“You're crazy.”

“I don't understand why you do that.”

 Exactly. You don't understand, you just said it yourself. So, how can you stand there, and say all those things? Especially if you don't understand. You can't force people to understand things that they don't, at least not right away. But, I think that people who don't fully understand things right away have some things to learn too. Like, just because you don't get it, doesn't mean you have to insult it, or make somebody else feel like garbage. Self harming, or people who use drugs. People who have alcohol addictions, people who have eating disorders, or phobias. Depression, Anxiety, all of that. You can't turn it off over night. Which brings me back to the whole low self esteem thing. You can't just turn it off. Not with a switch, not with a button, and not with negativity. Some would call it tough love, and maybe that works for some people. Anger only pushes people like me, deeper and deeper down. It fuels the fire. Because now I'm thinking....

“They agree with me, they're right. I'm stupid, and everything I do hurts people and makes them angry. Nobody really understands, so I might as well just sew my mouth shut with a needle and thread, and call it a day.”

 See? That may sound dramatic to some, but for me, and others like me, it's way too real. It's the reason why some people choose to suffer in silence. Judgment is around every corner. Hate waits on your doorstep like a unwanted guest on a daily basis. Sure, it's easy for some to ignore, but not all of us. Some people in this world might as well me blind and deaf, because it seems like the only way to escape the monsters. The fear, and pain, the Devil and all his games. There is evil in this world, and it comes in all shapes and sizes. All forms. It's in people's words, and actions. It's in people's eyes, and it sits over all of our heads like a dark cloud. Waiting to rain down on everybody that still has love inside of their hearts. It's all too easy to caught up in. To me, it doesn't matter where you stand, the monsters can always get to you. Some people don't care. They're ready for their world to end. It's when the monsters go after the ones we love. That's when we choose to stand up and fight. I can't lie, I'd fight for whoever is in my heart, for whatever reason. When it comes to myself, it means nothing. It's been like that for a very long time, and I'll admit, it's gotten me into a lot of trouble. Things might be different for me today, had I cared about myself before. My mind might be a little more clear.

 So, when one of those incredible little moments comes along, I can't help but put so much behind it. Like tonight. I heard these weird little explosion noises coming from outside. I knew what it was right away, and I had to smile. Anybody that really knows me, knows that I have this awkward obsession with fireworks. I mean, I enter another world when there are fireworks going off. I went outside, and sure enough in the distance, there were this amazingly beautiful display of fireworks. The bests kinds. The gold and white ones that kinda rain down after they explode. The ones that shoot straight up, and disappear for a moment, only when they finally do go off, it's big and beautiful. When I see those, I can't help but think about that is probably one of the best ways to make an entrance. I saw every color, and even though I was already listening to music....I didn't really need to be. Watching fireworks is like watching certain music take visual form. It's just so easy to get lost in the lights, the fire, and the colors. Even the sound. When I was standing there, watching them....everything just went away. The monsters inside of my head, the pain in my heart....everything. It was just gone for a little while. For once, the tears I was crying were tears of joy. It was one of the best feelings I have felt in a very long time. Sure, the moment is gone now. But, I have the memory, and that means more to me than I think I'll ever be able to really describe.

 There can sometimes be these incredible moments that happen in life. My advice is, when those things to happen....try not to forget them. Try to keep the monsters away from those memories. Those are the moments that can make you smile later on down the road. And it's beautiful. Even if only for a moment.

 

Strange Irony

I wish it was possible to get through life without hurting people's feelings. Sure, you can keep your mouth shut, and never let out how to truly feel about some things. That's possible for some, but it's not always easy. That's what I do. It's so mind numbing, and frustrating, and it makes me crazy, but it's what I want. Honesty hurts people. Honesty is kinda' like music. Sometimes, what you're hearing is painful but it needs to be heard. Music is a voice, one that speaks truth, lies, love, hate, peace, war, life, death and so many other things. To me, that's what honesty is. There is just so much to say. Yet, I'd rather go to my grave holding most things inside. It's a dangerous flaw of mine, one that I feel I have to just embrace, and learn to live with.

 When you're honest with people, they get hurt. When I tell people things that get to me, I feel like a monster. Like an angry little monster that tears people down. We're all different people, we all feel different about certain things. So, when you have hate towards something that somebody else loves, and you say it out loud....feelings get hurt. Some people don't care. Some people find pleasure in hurting people, and their feelings. Some of them thrive on it, and can't go one day without tearing somebody else to pieces. I'll never be that person. I never want to be that person. Even when I'm being as nice as I possibly can be in my honestly, I still feel like a monster. One of the monsters that often tears me down.

 I cannot stress enough just how much I wish it was possible to get through life without hurting one's feelings. I understand, sometimes it's human nature to let it all out, and just be honest. It's ironic to me. I'm fighting against human nature, only to avoid being a monster. Strange Irony. Kinda' sounds like a song title.....