Bittersweet Little Gifts & The Desire To Leave This World

Being hugged by somebody who actually thinks you're worth something, is pure magic. Especially when you know that you're not worth anything. I have to admit, knowing that I'm an utterly useless human being is bittersweet. Bitter, because I seem to be in the way a lot. More often than not, I'm taking up space, or holding somebody back. I don't have the right to do that, especially not to people who have actual purpose. The sweet part is, when I'm not here anymore, it frees up a spot for somebody better. Somebody that is actually worth something. That makes me feel pretty elated. For the longest time now, I've felt that my existence is unfair. Not to me, but to other people. It's my belief that I was never supposed to be here. Some people disagree with that, but it's what I think, and it's how I feel. I get genuinely confused when I wake up in the morning, it just hurts my feelings now. Not all lives are a joke, I respect people's sense of resolve. I think my life is a joke though, and the punchline just never comes. When it does, I don't know if I'll laugh or cry, maybe I'll do both. Maybe my reaction will be painfully neutral. I have a few different horrifying reoccurring nightmares. Dreams as well, but more nightmares than dreams. Waking up every morning feels like one of those. I know what some people say.

"Life is a gift, and should be appreciated."

I don't entirely disagree with that, but I just don't believe that my life is a gift. I wish I did, but it just doesn't feel that way to me. I believe certain parts of my life are gifts. Like, fireworks. They turn me into goo. I remember, I used to think that after fireworks went off....they turned into the stars. I wish that I still believed that. Naivety saves my heart, I wish I was still naive to lot of things. Fireworks are tiny exploding miracles, and even though they don't turn into the stars, they're still a gift. On the other hand, my life as a whole is not. This world, where we all exist, is filling with Evil. Pure evil and poison.  There's starving people everywhere, but somebody's pissed off that my skin is the color a milk chocolate. People are getting away with disgusting things like, abuse, rape and murder. Yet, people are pissed off because a man wants to kiss another man, or a woman wants to marry another woman. There seems to be terrorists everywhere. What is it about humans that makes other humans want to terrorize them? I don't understand it, and I'm not really sure that I want to understand it. Hatred is fueling everybody now. It's like the majority of people in this world forgot how to love. Treating people nicely, and with respect has somehow become turned into something else. People make it seem like it's the wrong thing to do. That's super sad, it breaks my heart. Everybody is stressed, and taking it out on each other. People are so enthralled with social media that they forget about actual communication. It's all so frustrating, and being trapped within this chaos is only doing more damage to my very fragile existence. There's so much more about this world that breaks my heart, but I don't have to name every single little thing. I trust that some people see the same evil that I do. 

I honestly just wish that people could or would pay more attention to the good things. There are beaches covered with pink sand. There are beaches covered in black sand. Can you imagine how amazing it would be to see that? I know it would bring me so much peace. If I had the chance to lay on a beach with sand those colors, I could die with the biggest smile on my face. I would burn Fiesta Lime incense and play music by Tom Day. I could get lost in that forever. That's just me, I know that, but it's a picture I've painted inside of my mind. I wished more people did that, and if they do, I hope they share it with me. I'd like to know about pictures people paint in their minds. Even if that's just a far off dream, it's one of the good things I think about all the time. Even knowing that it will never happen, the thought is enough to make me smile for a few minutes on my worst day. I get so worried about people in my life. People that I know are worth so much, but are sad. I used to be able to make people happy. Being a good friend means so much to me, but I no longer have the ability to make people feel better. I can't make people happy anymore. My issues are in the way, my head is broken, my thoughts are dark and scary, and my spirit is dying. My spirit is sick, and suffering, and has been for the longest time. There's this song called "Little Black Cloud" by Crazy Town. That's the same band that had the one hit wonder, "Butterfly." The chorus was simple, bu the lyrics always appealed to me.

♫"I got a little black cloud that follows me, everywhere I go, it takes over me."♫

That song came out in 1999, and I still listen to it to this day. There are times when I feel like I have that cloud over me. Other times, I feel like I am that cloud. People always say things like "You're in control of your own happiness." Fine. If that's what your opinion is, than fine. Only, that isn't always true. People with mental health problems don't always have the option of being in control. We have demons, and they tell us how to feel, they tell us how to think. They control our actions, our words, and our thoughts. I don't think that people understand that those demons, they make their existence known every day. They don't just talk to us, they yell, they scream and they rampage. They're little monsters with more power than you'd think. So, no. I don't believe everybody has control over their happiness. Yes, you can cut people and certain  unhappiness from your own life, you can try your hardest to protect yourself. Only, the consequences always seem to be bad. If you cut a person from your life, you're a "bad friend." You're the "enemy", and "how dare you." I've been cut from many people's lives, but I understand why, and I don't blame people for it. But, not everybody does understand. It hurts to be cut out, it does. It's a hurtful part of life that some people just don't get over. To me, that's part of "being in control of your happiness" but it's so negative. It doesn't seem like it should be apart of happiness. Maybe that only makes sense to me. It might, because I struggle to put my words together most of the time. If only people knew how long it takes me to write just one entry for this blog. 

♫"Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, money.

We used to play pretend, wake up you need the money.

Used to play pretend, give each other different names, we would build a rocket ship and then we'd fly it far away.

Used to dream of outer space, but now they're laughing at our face saying "wake up, you need to make money", yeah."♫

I love Twenty-One Pilots. Their music brings me so much peace, the lyrics are perfect. They say it just how it is. One day, you wake up, and you need to make money. Only it's not that simple. I'm an artist, and that doesn't always promise money. So, you go and try to find a job to save money for things that you're passionate about. Only, you have a last name that intimidates people. You look a certain way, and it puts people off. So you spend years trying to get a "normal" job, yet nobody will give you a chance based on these petty little things. People say "You can't give up, just keep trying." That's not a bad thing, but some of us reach a certain point. You get to this point where, you cannot take anymore rejection. Hearing that you're not good enough gets old after a while. You start to believe it, and then trying just becomes pointless. The constant rejection gets painful. You might as well stand in front of a person and say "You suck, we don't want you, and you aren't good enough" over and over and over again. It's like being punched in the throat repeatedly. They don't understand what they're doing to you. They don't understand, and most of the time they don't care. People in this world who hold positions of power, usually abuse that power. Those of us who are never given a chance, because it's already decided that we will fail, that pretty much means that we're screwed. I'd rather go back and play pretend. 

♫Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young.

How come I'm never able to identify where it's coming from.

I'd make a candle out of it if I ever found it.♫

Those lyrics are from the same song. I should mention, the song is called "Stressed Out." Even the damn title is perfect! This song is everything to me. I know you know what they're talking about. You're minding your own business, a smell hits you, and suddenly you are six years old again. It makes you smile for a minute, but you cannot figure out what it is. It's another one of those bittersweet little moments. I count that as a gift in life. 

Even with all the little gifts like, music, amazing smells, and thought of brightly colored beaches, I'm just so tired. I want the little things to be enough, I do. They aren't, and at this point I feel like no matter what I do, it will end with me in tears, and the world once again be laughing at me. I don't feel like anybody wants me around. People can tell me until they're purple faced that they do. My monsters won't let me believe them. People do tell me I'm not wanted, and they make me feel unsafe. They know that I feel scared, I won't let the world know that they're bullies. I like people too fast, I love and care about people too fast. Too much. So much, that it makes me seem creepy and weird. That's what being friendly is these days. It makes you a weirdo. Being loving is considered a bad thing. Being sensitive and crying a lot makes you weak. That's what I see, and I just don't want to see it anymore. All I hear is hatred, and pain. Not just my own, but other people's and it hurts me. My head is a scary place to be, and there isn't anything I can do to fix it. Some people are beyond help, some people can't be helped. The world's solution to "fixing" people like me, is drugging you up, and strapping you down. To me, it's cruel and unusual. To strap a person down who just wants to escape in the first place. It seems like being kicked while you're down. I understand why it's done that way, but I don't like it. I just want to step aside, I wish I could give my life to somebody else. Somebody that would do something useful with the time. Like, seriously, take my life, do something better than I will ever be able to do. I have faith you. 

The next time you see somebody that you think is worth something, hug them as if their life depends on it. 

Fireworks & Moments Worth Remembering

 There can sometimes be these incredible moments that happen in life. You're at this weird point where everything seems to be standing still. Nothing you want is in reach, and everything that you're trying desperately to hang onto seems to slipping away faster and faster as each day passes by. The more tears you cry, the slower your heart beats, and giving up just feels so right. Going through the motions isn't even a justifiable way to describe it anymore.

 There are so many monsters inside of my head. Telling me how to feel. Forcing me to think about things. Not voices, I don't have schizophrenia, or anything like that. The monsters are negative, mean, hurtful memories from the past. Echos that I've been hearing my whole life. I used to think that they came went on and off, from time to time. Now, I'm thinking that they never really go anywhere. They're always there, just waiting the remind me. Waiting to mock, and bully me. It's almost ironic. I don't handle bullying well, I'm the person that cowers into a corner when it's happening to me. Yet, it's my own thoughts and memories that are backing me into the corner. It's so frustrating, it's almost like I might as well be punching myself in the face, or pulling my own hair. My brain is already telling me how much I suck at life, and meaningless my existence truly is. How empty I'll always be. It's no secret what that is, at least it's not to me. My low self esteem took a pretty serious turn for the worse at some point. That's part of why I think talking to people about myself is a huge waste of time. I don't have all good things to say about myself, so when I'm honest about it, I get yelled at. People get angry, and snap at me. Telling me that I shouldn't think those things about myself, and that they aren't true. Only, they just don't understand it enough to respond in a way that makes me comfortable. I don't get mad at those people, ever. I really do understand why certain people get so fired up about my self loathing issue. They just don't get how complicated it really is.

 When you are told for years and years by people that you being so much different is bad, and that you shouldn't be how you are. When they tell you that you're appearance, and the way that you choose to look is weird, and unacceptable. When they look at you like you're crazy as Hell for saying something that's on your mind. When they spend so much time and effort breaking you down. All of that, it tends to stick, and it sticks hard. For some of us, all of that will reflect on our future, even if we don't think it will. For some, it only makes them stronger, and proving those people wrong becomes a huge part of daily life. There is nothing wrong with that in my eyes. Hell, I wish I would have landed on that side of the fence, but I didn't. Not everybody does. What people don't understand, is that....you can't just get rid of that over night. Like I said, it sticks hard. Eventually, it makes you think the worst of yourself. It's not like pressing a button, and having it all go away. Especially not when you're yelled at and made to feel stupid for thinking bad things about yourself. You might a well be pouring gasoline onto a fire. When you call a person stupid for thinking thinking that they, themselves, are stupid, the outcome will either be the same, or a little worse. Either way, it's not right. It's always nice to hear that somebody doesn't have those same horrible thoughts about you. It's not nice when they respond with anger. It just hurts more. Maybe that's just me being the overly sensitive person that I am. Regardless, it doesn't feel good.

When a person is pretty much at the end of their rope, I think one of the worst things you can do is respond negativity. You might as well be the one that takes the final tug, and pulls the rope away. Then, you just watch them fall. Down, down, down until they hit the bottom. Then what? Nothing. You've accomplished nothing. Tone is everything, and it's not always easy to have control over, but I feel like people don't even try anymore. They are all too happy to be the bigger person, and the only way they can do that is to make you feel as small as they possibly can. Like for people who self harm.

“You're stupid to hurt yourself like that!”

“Why would you do that to yourself?”

“If you really cared about me, you'd stop doing that.”

“If you don't stop doing that, I'm done with you.”

“You're crazy.”

“I don't understand why you do that.”

 Exactly. You don't understand, you just said it yourself. So, how can you stand there, and say all those things? Especially if you don't understand. You can't force people to understand things that they don't, at least not right away. But, I think that people who don't fully understand things right away have some things to learn too. Like, just because you don't get it, doesn't mean you have to insult it, or make somebody else feel like garbage. Self harming, or people who use drugs. People who have alcohol addictions, people who have eating disorders, or phobias. Depression, Anxiety, all of that. You can't turn it off over night. Which brings me back to the whole low self esteem thing. You can't just turn it off. Not with a switch, not with a button, and not with negativity. Some would call it tough love, and maybe that works for some people. Anger only pushes people like me, deeper and deeper down. It fuels the fire. Because now I'm thinking....

“They agree with me, they're right. I'm stupid, and everything I do hurts people and makes them angry. Nobody really understands, so I might as well just sew my mouth shut with a needle and thread, and call it a day.”

 See? That may sound dramatic to some, but for me, and others like me, it's way too real. It's the reason why some people choose to suffer in silence. Judgment is around every corner. Hate waits on your doorstep like a unwanted guest on a daily basis. Sure, it's easy for some to ignore, but not all of us. Some people in this world might as well me blind and deaf, because it seems like the only way to escape the monsters. The fear, and pain, the Devil and all his games. There is evil in this world, and it comes in all shapes and sizes. All forms. It's in people's words, and actions. It's in people's eyes, and it sits over all of our heads like a dark cloud. Waiting to rain down on everybody that still has love inside of their hearts. It's all too easy to caught up in. To me, it doesn't matter where you stand, the monsters can always get to you. Some people don't care. They're ready for their world to end. It's when the monsters go after the ones we love. That's when we choose to stand up and fight. I can't lie, I'd fight for whoever is in my heart, for whatever reason. When it comes to myself, it means nothing. It's been like that for a very long time, and I'll admit, it's gotten me into a lot of trouble. Things might be different for me today, had I cared about myself before. My mind might be a little more clear.

 So, when one of those incredible little moments comes along, I can't help but put so much behind it. Like tonight. I heard these weird little explosion noises coming from outside. I knew what it was right away, and I had to smile. Anybody that really knows me, knows that I have this awkward obsession with fireworks. I mean, I enter another world when there are fireworks going off. I went outside, and sure enough in the distance, there were this amazingly beautiful display of fireworks. The bests kinds. The gold and white ones that kinda rain down after they explode. The ones that shoot straight up, and disappear for a moment, only when they finally do go off, it's big and beautiful. When I see those, I can't help but think about that is probably one of the best ways to make an entrance. I saw every color, and even though I was already listening to music....I didn't really need to be. Watching fireworks is like watching certain music take visual form. It's just so easy to get lost in the lights, the fire, and the colors. Even the sound. When I was standing there, watching them....everything just went away. The monsters inside of my head, the pain in my heart....everything. It was just gone for a little while. For once, the tears I was crying were tears of joy. It was one of the best feelings I have felt in a very long time. Sure, the moment is gone now. But, I have the memory, and that means more to me than I think I'll ever be able to really describe.

 There can sometimes be these incredible moments that happen in life. My advice is, when those things to happen....try not to forget them. Try to keep the monsters away from those memories. Those are the moments that can make you smile later on down the road. And it's beautiful. Even if only for a moment.