Hear No Evil, See No Evil.

When Robin Williams left us, people kept on saying something along the lines of....

"Maybe people will pay attention now."

To me, that statement is somewhat bittersweet. Unfortunately, in this situation, my belief is that the bitter part over powers the sweet part. This is just one of many things that frustrates me about humanity, and society. Most of the time, it takes illness or something like death for people to open their eyes to certain things. Drastic measures make for drastic reactions. One emotion in particular brings others to the surface.

Fear.

It brings untouched emotions to the surface in a very quick and aggressive manner. It effects us all, yes, but in different ways. Those who don't suffer from mental illness, people who don't deal with the evils that are depression and anxiety, they have fear, but it's not the same. Their fear is subtle yet aggressive at the same time. When a person that doesn't suffer from any illness like those particular ones learns that somebody has taken their own life, it makes zero sense to them. So, there they sit, trying to justify it in a way that makes them comfortable with the random thoughts running through their mind.

"They should have gotten help."

"They should have gotten over it."

"It was a cop out, they were cowards."

"There's no way it was that bad."

"They were selfish."

NO. 

I can't help but get very upset when people make statements like that. I believe everybody is entitled to they're own opinion, we are all free to have our own beliefs. To each their own, it's a personal right. However, in my opinion, and in my experience....people who make statements like that have no idea what it's like to have severe mental illness.  Their demons are either nonexistent or quieter. Now, I'm not saying that I wish that everybody suffered from problems like that. I guess I just have very little to zero faith in most people when it comes to sensitivity and understanding. After years of having so many different problems, it's become very clear to me that most people aren't tolerant of things like anxiety and depression. They aren't patient with you, or the fact that you have those issues and it makes things harder for you. Or the fact that if you're anxious or depressed, it makes things of the most simple nature harder. They know, but they don't care, or they don't have the solution, so they pretend like it's not there. Some people will even go so far as to pretend that you aren't there. That sounds completely made up, I know, but I've seen it happen. People really can go that far, and they will.

I think that death is a trend at times, and it's very sad. When Phillip Seymour died, and people learned about his demons and drug addiction, they made statements that matched the statements about Robin Williams. Same with when people heard about Cory Monteith. 

"I had no idea. Oh my God, maybe more people will pay attention now."

Only, that didn't happen. Not with Phillip Seymour, Robin or Cory. Two days after Robin Williams was gone, people were promptly back to dumping ice water on their heads, and going on judgmental rants in their social network statuses. That's what I'm talking about when I say that death is a trend. People mourn, and move on, and that's totally acceptable. Only, I think it's unfortunate how people are so quick to make those kinds of statements, when they have zero intention of being more aware.

Over the years I've seen people take some very drastic measures to avoid helping others. Especially people who can't just openly admit that they don't want to help, or don't know how to help. For some, it's about effort, or having patience. Or, just not knowing what to do. For others, it's denial. They don't believe that depression or anxiety are real. For others, it's about religion. Suicide is supposed to condemn you to Hell, so you're considered to be evil before you're even dead. If a person knows you're suicidal, sometimes they will choose not to see or hear you for those reasons. I've also learned that those of us who are addicted to self harm are looked at as selfish, because we're hurting one of God's creations. Personally, I don't agree with some of that, but not I'm criticizing those who do. I'm simply pointing out some things I've noticed about people who are on the sidelines of the cruel game that is mental illness. Out of sight, out of mind. Only, not for people like me. The demons linger in our minds like cobwebs. 

"Please come back, but don't come near me."

I'm not really sure if that's a quote, or lyrics from a song, or what. I just like the words, and I found them on accident. I relate to those words, but I think they kind of tie into what I've been saying. People who chose to get angry at depressed, suicidal people, they tend to have that kind of attitude towards it. In a way, it's like they're saying....

"I don't want anything to do with you, but I want you alive."

Again, this is my opinion, I'm not claiming these things to be facts. It's just how I see it through my eyes. Now, I think a person has every right to feel that way. Hell, I'm guilty of it in a way. There's people I love, but can't handle being around. It's just one of those very suckish, very devastating feelings that some deal with from time to time. It's irrational, but there's nothing we can do about it. We're only human after all, you know? 

(Photographic Dramatization) 

Some of us have been marked for extinction since day one. Only....those marks, they can't be seen right from the beginning. As you grow, and get older, you learn, stuff happens. You learn about things. Beautiful things, happy things, sad and horrible things. You learn about yourself, and other people. You learn about how much, not just actions hurt, but words too. Soon, those actions, those words, and the hatred behind them, they turn into something else. There's a point that's reached, one that not everybody will always get to. It's the point where you realize that hurting them back doesn't bring peace. That's when the invisible mark transforms. The mark, it turns into a scar. After that, the scars....they multiply. I'm not the type of person that can just let go of the hateful things that people say to me. I wish I was, but I'm not. I'm just not that strong, and I admire people who are that strong. With me, it's like that whole demonstration with a sheet of paper. 

The paper, it starts of clean and unharmed.

 After it's crumpled up into a ball, and unfolded, it' damaged beyond repair. It will never be the same, no matter what.

(Photographic Dramatization) 

It can only get worse from that point.

(Photographic Dramatization) 

Worse and worse, until there's nothing left but wrinkles and mess.

(Photographic Dramatization) 

It's a shame that some of us are really that fragile, for many reasons, it's a shame.

One thing I've learned, is that sometimes, people just don't want to help you. It could be that, they are just that kind of person, or it could be that you're the kind of person that people don't want to help. Regardless, life goes on in one way or another. Me, I'm tired of life in general. I have been for a very long time, it's just how it is. Just recently, I was in a situation that was very frustrating. It was a level of frustration that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It was almost like sitting in the waiting room outside of Hell. I was trying to make things better for myself, and it just fell apart so fast. I'm pretty sure I lost a very close friend, and it will break my heart forever. That friend, along with another one, they said things to me that really hit me. Like a brick wall. Basically, I learned the perception these people have of me. It wasn't eye opening in the way you'd think either. See, they made assumptions about me, and based their opinions on those assumptions. It hurt a lot, and it made me hate myself even more than I already did. The fact that I had somehow made these people jump to the conclusions that they did, it killed me. The fact that me needing their help was just burden, and that I thought they were alright with me needing their help. Those are things that eat my emotions alive. During that time, I was lucky enough to have another friend, and a new friend....give me hope, and shine some light on certain aspects of my life. 

The best way I can describe these two people is.....fireworks. They are just like fireworks. Their personalities explode, and go all over the place in the most beautiful way possible. They're colorful, and able to take your mind away from all the bad things for a little while. Instead of telling me everything that was wrong with me, they made me see what could be. They pointed out the good things, and had me concentrate on those good things. Their faith made me believe for a little while. Their attitudes towards me weren't negative or threatening. They didn't make me feel stupid for thinking the things that I do. Instead of yelling at me, and talking to me in a way that triggered my anxiety, they were patient, they were loving, they were kind. They recognized my pain, and dealt with it in the most perfect way. I'm thankful for all of my friends. Even the friends that are no longer a part of my life. Maybe I'm mean for saying this, and I don't mean to be.....but there are just some friends that understand me better. People that understand that anger, aggression, and and negativity are not things that I respond well to. My own family hasn't been able to figure that out in the last twenty seven years, so I'm not in shock when I see that other people don't get it either. Only, when certain people understand that about me right away, it makes me smile. It makes everything better for a little while. It makes me forget that I am a walking mistake, and that I never should have been born to begin with. It makes me forget that being in pain is a burden to most, even those who are closest to my heart. It makes me forget about the demons that are constantly whispering in my ear.  When people treat me like a person, it just makes me forget. 

I'm not angry. I'm not bitter. I'm just noticing things. One thing I've noticed a lot lately, and that the mentally ill are not tolerated by most. So, the next time a person takes their own life, hurts themselves, or lashes out in a way that you don't understand......don't pretend to care. Don't make assumptions, because assumptions are judgement's angry cousins. Don't think twice, think three times.

There's plenty of reasons why people let Death win. Try not to let your attitude, words and actions be any of those reasons.

Fireworks & Moments Worth Remembering

 There can sometimes be these incredible moments that happen in life. You're at this weird point where everything seems to be standing still. Nothing you want is in reach, and everything that you're trying desperately to hang onto seems to slipping away faster and faster as each day passes by. The more tears you cry, the slower your heart beats, and giving up just feels so right. Going through the motions isn't even a justifiable way to describe it anymore.

 There are so many monsters inside of my head. Telling me how to feel. Forcing me to think about things. Not voices, I don't have schizophrenia, or anything like that. The monsters are negative, mean, hurtful memories from the past. Echos that I've been hearing my whole life. I used to think that they came went on and off, from time to time. Now, I'm thinking that they never really go anywhere. They're always there, just waiting the remind me. Waiting to mock, and bully me. It's almost ironic. I don't handle bullying well, I'm the person that cowers into a corner when it's happening to me. Yet, it's my own thoughts and memories that are backing me into the corner. It's so frustrating, it's almost like I might as well be punching myself in the face, or pulling my own hair. My brain is already telling me how much I suck at life, and meaningless my existence truly is. How empty I'll always be. It's no secret what that is, at least it's not to me. My low self esteem took a pretty serious turn for the worse at some point. That's part of why I think talking to people about myself is a huge waste of time. I don't have all good things to say about myself, so when I'm honest about it, I get yelled at. People get angry, and snap at me. Telling me that I shouldn't think those things about myself, and that they aren't true. Only, they just don't understand it enough to respond in a way that makes me comfortable. I don't get mad at those people, ever. I really do understand why certain people get so fired up about my self loathing issue. They just don't get how complicated it really is.

 When you are told for years and years by people that you being so much different is bad, and that you shouldn't be how you are. When they tell you that you're appearance, and the way that you choose to look is weird, and unacceptable. When they look at you like you're crazy as Hell for saying something that's on your mind. When they spend so much time and effort breaking you down. All of that, it tends to stick, and it sticks hard. For some of us, all of that will reflect on our future, even if we don't think it will. For some, it only makes them stronger, and proving those people wrong becomes a huge part of daily life. There is nothing wrong with that in my eyes. Hell, I wish I would have landed on that side of the fence, but I didn't. Not everybody does. What people don't understand, is that....you can't just get rid of that over night. Like I said, it sticks hard. Eventually, it makes you think the worst of yourself. It's not like pressing a button, and having it all go away. Especially not when you're yelled at and made to feel stupid for thinking bad things about yourself. You might a well be pouring gasoline onto a fire. When you call a person stupid for thinking thinking that they, themselves, are stupid, the outcome will either be the same, or a little worse. Either way, it's not right. It's always nice to hear that somebody doesn't have those same horrible thoughts about you. It's not nice when they respond with anger. It just hurts more. Maybe that's just me being the overly sensitive person that I am. Regardless, it doesn't feel good.

When a person is pretty much at the end of their rope, I think one of the worst things you can do is respond negativity. You might as well be the one that takes the final tug, and pulls the rope away. Then, you just watch them fall. Down, down, down until they hit the bottom. Then what? Nothing. You've accomplished nothing. Tone is everything, and it's not always easy to have control over, but I feel like people don't even try anymore. They are all too happy to be the bigger person, and the only way they can do that is to make you feel as small as they possibly can. Like for people who self harm.

“You're stupid to hurt yourself like that!”

“Why would you do that to yourself?”

“If you really cared about me, you'd stop doing that.”

“If you don't stop doing that, I'm done with you.”

“You're crazy.”

“I don't understand why you do that.”

 Exactly. You don't understand, you just said it yourself. So, how can you stand there, and say all those things? Especially if you don't understand. You can't force people to understand things that they don't, at least not right away. But, I think that people who don't fully understand things right away have some things to learn too. Like, just because you don't get it, doesn't mean you have to insult it, or make somebody else feel like garbage. Self harming, or people who use drugs. People who have alcohol addictions, people who have eating disorders, or phobias. Depression, Anxiety, all of that. You can't turn it off over night. Which brings me back to the whole low self esteem thing. You can't just turn it off. Not with a switch, not with a button, and not with negativity. Some would call it tough love, and maybe that works for some people. Anger only pushes people like me, deeper and deeper down. It fuels the fire. Because now I'm thinking....

“They agree with me, they're right. I'm stupid, and everything I do hurts people and makes them angry. Nobody really understands, so I might as well just sew my mouth shut with a needle and thread, and call it a day.”

 See? That may sound dramatic to some, but for me, and others like me, it's way too real. It's the reason why some people choose to suffer in silence. Judgment is around every corner. Hate waits on your doorstep like a unwanted guest on a daily basis. Sure, it's easy for some to ignore, but not all of us. Some people in this world might as well me blind and deaf, because it seems like the only way to escape the monsters. The fear, and pain, the Devil and all his games. There is evil in this world, and it comes in all shapes and sizes. All forms. It's in people's words, and actions. It's in people's eyes, and it sits over all of our heads like a dark cloud. Waiting to rain down on everybody that still has love inside of their hearts. It's all too easy to caught up in. To me, it doesn't matter where you stand, the monsters can always get to you. Some people don't care. They're ready for their world to end. It's when the monsters go after the ones we love. That's when we choose to stand up and fight. I can't lie, I'd fight for whoever is in my heart, for whatever reason. When it comes to myself, it means nothing. It's been like that for a very long time, and I'll admit, it's gotten me into a lot of trouble. Things might be different for me today, had I cared about myself before. My mind might be a little more clear.

 So, when one of those incredible little moments comes along, I can't help but put so much behind it. Like tonight. I heard these weird little explosion noises coming from outside. I knew what it was right away, and I had to smile. Anybody that really knows me, knows that I have this awkward obsession with fireworks. I mean, I enter another world when there are fireworks going off. I went outside, and sure enough in the distance, there were this amazingly beautiful display of fireworks. The bests kinds. The gold and white ones that kinda rain down after they explode. The ones that shoot straight up, and disappear for a moment, only when they finally do go off, it's big and beautiful. When I see those, I can't help but think about that is probably one of the best ways to make an entrance. I saw every color, and even though I was already listening to music....I didn't really need to be. Watching fireworks is like watching certain music take visual form. It's just so easy to get lost in the lights, the fire, and the colors. Even the sound. When I was standing there, watching them....everything just went away. The monsters inside of my head, the pain in my heart....everything. It was just gone for a little while. For once, the tears I was crying were tears of joy. It was one of the best feelings I have felt in a very long time. Sure, the moment is gone now. But, I have the memory, and that means more to me than I think I'll ever be able to really describe.

 There can sometimes be these incredible moments that happen in life. My advice is, when those things to happen....try not to forget them. Try to keep the monsters away from those memories. Those are the moments that can make you smile later on down the road. And it's beautiful. Even if only for a moment.