Strange Irony

I wish it was possible to get through life without hurting people's feelings. Sure, you can keep your mouth shut, and never let out how to truly feel about some things. That's possible for some, but it's not always easy. That's what I do. It's so mind numbing, and frustrating, and it makes me crazy, but it's what I want. Honesty hurts people. Honesty is kinda' like music. Sometimes, what you're hearing is painful but it needs to be heard. Music is a voice, one that speaks truth, lies, love, hate, peace, war, life, death and so many other things. To me, that's what honesty is. There is just so much to say. Yet, I'd rather go to my grave holding most things inside. It's a dangerous flaw of mine, one that I feel I have to just embrace, and learn to live with.

 When you're honest with people, they get hurt. When I tell people things that get to me, I feel like a monster. Like an angry little monster that tears people down. We're all different people, we all feel different about certain things. So, when you have hate towards something that somebody else loves, and you say it out loud....feelings get hurt. Some people don't care. Some people find pleasure in hurting people, and their feelings. Some of them thrive on it, and can't go one day without tearing somebody else to pieces. I'll never be that person. I never want to be that person. Even when I'm being as nice as I possibly can be in my honestly, I still feel like a monster. One of the monsters that often tears me down.

 I cannot stress enough just how much I wish it was possible to get through life without hurting one's feelings. I understand, sometimes it's human nature to let it all out, and just be honest. It's ironic to me. I'm fighting against human nature, only to avoid being a monster. Strange Irony. Kinda' sounds like a song title.....

Monsters & Other Things ♪

Curiosity took my childhood away from me. Monsters stole my innocence. Not just the monsters under my bed. The ones that lived all around me. You don't know it until you're older, but the monsters are around all of us, every single day. All of the time. They hide in plain sight, most of the time you never even see their terror coming. It's just one of those things, it won't change. They won't stop hiding, they won't stop fooling us. No, they'll always be around, slowly killing all the beauty, and eating away at the things that make us smile. It's a bittersweet situation, to me. In my opinion, there should be a balance of good, and bad floating around. Only now, it seems like the bad things are taking over. It's hard to decide between the two sometimes, I get that. I don't see any point in wondering why other people don't think the same way that you do. People are different, that's just how it works. Getting angry at a person for not thinking the same way you do, or being on the same level is a sad waste of time. You might as well stand in front of a person, repeating the words “Be just like me”....over and over again, and expecting it to make a real difference. The monsters are like that. Some of them think the right thing to do is to bully you, and make you feel stupid for having your own mind. It's a poison that's hard to avoid. Mostly because it runs through so many people's veins, almost like it was their blood. It's kinda' like a song that you hate hearing, but you can't stop listening to it, because it's always playing. There isn't always an escape. When there is a way out, it always seems so temporary.

 For me, shutting down always seems to be my escape. I can't help it anymore, it's become a habit of mine. It's the safest thing to do sometimes, even if some people get shut out in the process. It doesn't mean I love them less, or that they've done anything to hurt me purposely. The wall I put up just keeps a certain kind of pain away. A pain that seems to last for days on end. It sits in the pit of your stomach, and grows until it turns into heartbreak, and resentment. It feels foreign, yet familiar and it makes your head hurt. I know I'm not alone on this, not that most people would ever admit it. It's a lot less complicated than I'm making it sound, I know that. I just tend to use more words then necessary sometimes. Another random habit of mine.

 I'm not saying that getting your opinion out there is a waste of time. It's what I'm doing right now. I'm not trying to rain on anybody's parade. I'm just tired of the monsters. I see them, hear them, and deal with them on a daily basis, just like all of you do. That's why when I create my own little bubbles, my own worlds, and personal escapes in my head....there aren't any monsters. It's just me, the colors I like to look at, and the music that I love to hear. It's always the best music too. The songs that really know how you feel in that moment. The songs you listen to, that actually listen back. Sounds too good to be true, I know, but those songs exist, and if you haven't found one yet, you will. You just have to be patient. If you can't find a song like that, just ask me. I'll find one for you.