Hear No Evil, See No Evil.

When Robin Williams left us, people kept on saying something along the lines of....

"Maybe people will pay attention now."

To me, that statement is somewhat bittersweet. Unfortunately, in this situation, my belief is that the bitter part over powers the sweet part. This is just one of many things that frustrates me about humanity, and society. Most of the time, it takes illness or something like death for people to open their eyes to certain things. Drastic measures make for drastic reactions. One emotion in particular brings others to the surface.

Fear.

It brings untouched emotions to the surface in a very quick and aggressive manner. It effects us all, yes, but in different ways. Those who don't suffer from mental illness, people who don't deal with the evils that are depression and anxiety, they have fear, but it's not the same. Their fear is subtle yet aggressive at the same time. When a person that doesn't suffer from any illness like those particular ones learns that somebody has taken their own life, it makes zero sense to them. So, there they sit, trying to justify it in a way that makes them comfortable with the random thoughts running through their mind.

"They should have gotten help."

"They should have gotten over it."

"It was a cop out, they were cowards."

"There's no way it was that bad."

"They were selfish."

NO. 

I can't help but get very upset when people make statements like that. I believe everybody is entitled to they're own opinion, we are all free to have our own beliefs. To each their own, it's a personal right. However, in my opinion, and in my experience....people who make statements like that have no idea what it's like to have severe mental illness.  Their demons are either nonexistent or quieter. Now, I'm not saying that I wish that everybody suffered from problems like that. I guess I just have very little to zero faith in most people when it comes to sensitivity and understanding. After years of having so many different problems, it's become very clear to me that most people aren't tolerant of things like anxiety and depression. They aren't patient with you, or the fact that you have those issues and it makes things harder for you. Or the fact that if you're anxious or depressed, it makes things of the most simple nature harder. They know, but they don't care, or they don't have the solution, so they pretend like it's not there. Some people will even go so far as to pretend that you aren't there. That sounds completely made up, I know, but I've seen it happen. People really can go that far, and they will.

I think that death is a trend at times, and it's very sad. When Phillip Seymour died, and people learned about his demons and drug addiction, they made statements that matched the statements about Robin Williams. Same with when people heard about Cory Monteith. 

"I had no idea. Oh my God, maybe more people will pay attention now."

Only, that didn't happen. Not with Phillip Seymour, Robin or Cory. Two days after Robin Williams was gone, people were promptly back to dumping ice water on their heads, and going on judgmental rants in their social network statuses. That's what I'm talking about when I say that death is a trend. People mourn, and move on, and that's totally acceptable. Only, I think it's unfortunate how people are so quick to make those kinds of statements, when they have zero intention of being more aware.

Over the years I've seen people take some very drastic measures to avoid helping others. Especially people who can't just openly admit that they don't want to help, or don't know how to help. For some, it's about effort, or having patience. Or, just not knowing what to do. For others, it's denial. They don't believe that depression or anxiety are real. For others, it's about religion. Suicide is supposed to condemn you to Hell, so you're considered to be evil before you're even dead. If a person knows you're suicidal, sometimes they will choose not to see or hear you for those reasons. I've also learned that those of us who are addicted to self harm are looked at as selfish, because we're hurting one of God's creations. Personally, I don't agree with some of that, but not I'm criticizing those who do. I'm simply pointing out some things I've noticed about people who are on the sidelines of the cruel game that is mental illness. Out of sight, out of mind. Only, not for people like me. The demons linger in our minds like cobwebs. 

"Please come back, but don't come near me."

I'm not really sure if that's a quote, or lyrics from a song, or what. I just like the words, and I found them on accident. I relate to those words, but I think they kind of tie into what I've been saying. People who chose to get angry at depressed, suicidal people, they tend to have that kind of attitude towards it. In a way, it's like they're saying....

"I don't want anything to do with you, but I want you alive."

Again, this is my opinion, I'm not claiming these things to be facts. It's just how I see it through my eyes. Now, I think a person has every right to feel that way. Hell, I'm guilty of it in a way. There's people I love, but can't handle being around. It's just one of those very suckish, very devastating feelings that some deal with from time to time. It's irrational, but there's nothing we can do about it. We're only human after all, you know? 

(Photographic Dramatization) 

Some of us have been marked for extinction since day one. Only....those marks, they can't be seen right from the beginning. As you grow, and get older, you learn, stuff happens. You learn about things. Beautiful things, happy things, sad and horrible things. You learn about yourself, and other people. You learn about how much, not just actions hurt, but words too. Soon, those actions, those words, and the hatred behind them, they turn into something else. There's a point that's reached, one that not everybody will always get to. It's the point where you realize that hurting them back doesn't bring peace. That's when the invisible mark transforms. The mark, it turns into a scar. After that, the scars....they multiply. I'm not the type of person that can just let go of the hateful things that people say to me. I wish I was, but I'm not. I'm just not that strong, and I admire people who are that strong. With me, it's like that whole demonstration with a sheet of paper. 

The paper, it starts of clean and unharmed.

 After it's crumpled up into a ball, and unfolded, it' damaged beyond repair. It will never be the same, no matter what.

(Photographic Dramatization) 

It can only get worse from that point.

(Photographic Dramatization) 

Worse and worse, until there's nothing left but wrinkles and mess.

(Photographic Dramatization) 

It's a shame that some of us are really that fragile, for many reasons, it's a shame.

One thing I've learned, is that sometimes, people just don't want to help you. It could be that, they are just that kind of person, or it could be that you're the kind of person that people don't want to help. Regardless, life goes on in one way or another. Me, I'm tired of life in general. I have been for a very long time, it's just how it is. Just recently, I was in a situation that was very frustrating. It was a level of frustration that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It was almost like sitting in the waiting room outside of Hell. I was trying to make things better for myself, and it just fell apart so fast. I'm pretty sure I lost a very close friend, and it will break my heart forever. That friend, along with another one, they said things to me that really hit me. Like a brick wall. Basically, I learned the perception these people have of me. It wasn't eye opening in the way you'd think either. See, they made assumptions about me, and based their opinions on those assumptions. It hurt a lot, and it made me hate myself even more than I already did. The fact that I had somehow made these people jump to the conclusions that they did, it killed me. The fact that me needing their help was just burden, and that I thought they were alright with me needing their help. Those are things that eat my emotions alive. During that time, I was lucky enough to have another friend, and a new friend....give me hope, and shine some light on certain aspects of my life. 

The best way I can describe these two people is.....fireworks. They are just like fireworks. Their personalities explode, and go all over the place in the most beautiful way possible. They're colorful, and able to take your mind away from all the bad things for a little while. Instead of telling me everything that was wrong with me, they made me see what could be. They pointed out the good things, and had me concentrate on those good things. Their faith made me believe for a little while. Their attitudes towards me weren't negative or threatening. They didn't make me feel stupid for thinking the things that I do. Instead of yelling at me, and talking to me in a way that triggered my anxiety, they were patient, they were loving, they were kind. They recognized my pain, and dealt with it in the most perfect way. I'm thankful for all of my friends. Even the friends that are no longer a part of my life. Maybe I'm mean for saying this, and I don't mean to be.....but there are just some friends that understand me better. People that understand that anger, aggression, and and negativity are not things that I respond well to. My own family hasn't been able to figure that out in the last twenty seven years, so I'm not in shock when I see that other people don't get it either. Only, when certain people understand that about me right away, it makes me smile. It makes everything better for a little while. It makes me forget that I am a walking mistake, and that I never should have been born to begin with. It makes me forget that being in pain is a burden to most, even those who are closest to my heart. It makes me forget about the demons that are constantly whispering in my ear.  When people treat me like a person, it just makes me forget. 

I'm not angry. I'm not bitter. I'm just noticing things. One thing I've noticed a lot lately, and that the mentally ill are not tolerated by most. So, the next time a person takes their own life, hurts themselves, or lashes out in a way that you don't understand......don't pretend to care. Don't make assumptions, because assumptions are judgement's angry cousins. Don't think twice, think three times.

There's plenty of reasons why people let Death win. Try not to let your attitude, words and actions be any of those reasons.

Life, Death & Perfection

 I think about silencing myself sometimes. It would hurt a lot, but I think that it would be worth it. I talk too much, and I know how much it annoys people. When I speak, it helps people to realize just how much they don't need me in their lives. It hurts, but not enough to make me angry. I'm not strong, but I am understanding. More often than not, people avoid me, but I get it. I'm too much on so many different levels. I'm not exactly proud of that, but I'm not ashamed either. I'm happy that I can recognize that. People like to think that I can’t tell when I’m boring them, but I can. Some had to teach me how to see it, but now I can tell when people are humoring me. It happens a lot more often that I ever wanted to believe. So, why even  say anything at all? Now, I just feel dumb when I talk about things. Yeah, it has a lot to do with low self esteem, but it also has a lot to do with people being fake. The fakeness, it’s like this mask that people wear, it’s a wall they hide behind. Instead of being honest, they’d rather spare your feelings by pretending to want you around. I understand why people do that, but I think that there are people who abuse it. I  can hear the confusion, hate, disgust, and most of all humor, in people’s tones when I speak. Sometimes, I can hear the very moment when a person stops listening, and blocks me out. So, there are times right before I go to sleep, when I think about getting needle and thread, and sewing my lips closed. Yes, it’s morbid, but I’d be doing myself, and so many others a favor.

 To you, it may look painful, but when I found this, it made me smile. To me, this is beautiful. I can’t help but wonder about that person. Real or fake, a statement is being made here. Maybe they feel the same way I do, maybe they feel guilty about the words that come out of their mouth. Maybe their mouth often got them into trouble, maybe they were tired of hearing their own voice. Or maybe they just wanted to know how it felt. Whatever the reason….I’m happy that I found this. I get happy when I find new things, even if it’s just a random photo. Like the needle and thread one. Or a picture of places like this.

 I don’t know where that is, but I don’t need to. It looks like the perfect place. For life, for death, for anything.  There could be anything beyond that fog, and I don’t think I would hesitate to find out. I’d walk slow, but I’d still go right on through. True, I don’t know for sure what I would find, but I know what I would want to find. Somewhere to sit, a place where I could very comfortably fall and stay asleep. A place that smells like Egyptian Musk. 

 Yes. This is perfection. Warm water, candles. As awkward as it would be, this tub, in that place would be pure magic. The moment would mean nothing without something to listen to. A song to hear, one that flows like warm wind through the air. A song that fit’s the atmosphere. 

 A song like this. It’s calm, it breathes….and it’s beautiful. Just like that place. It would be the perfect setting to say goodbye. To close my eyes, and take my very last breathes. Everything would just melt away, piece by piece. 

 See, I have these tiny little demons inside my head. True, they’re tiny but they don’t exactly tread lightly, and they work fast. They run around inside my head, so fast and so often that they’re making it damn near impossible to use all my emotions anymore. My excitement towards things is almost totally gone. There are exciting things happening around me, and I’m happy, but I’m not excited. I’m proud, but I’m not excited. I know how it sounds, I do. It sounds as if I don’t care about others being happy, and having lives to be proud of. That’s not the case, not at all. The people I love, and care about will always make me happy in some way or another. I will always be happy for the good things they get out of life, that will never change. The thing is, it’s nobody’s fault but my own that certain feelings of mine are being taken over by the mind numbing little demons that are taking over my mind. I’m not strong enough to handle real life, and I’m not about to pin that on somebody else. 

 You know, some people don’t believe that depression is real. They think it’s some made up thing, created by weak people who feel sorry for themselves, and pin all of their problems on others. Well….to each their own opinion. Each and every one of us is a different person. A person with opinions of our own. However, I will never agree with the small minded view. The small minded view that just because one person handles life their way, that it will work for everybody else around them. Depression is a disease, and diseases kill. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I genuinely hate myself. I don’t blame my issues on other people. My sadness and heartbreak is just a part of me that happens to be stronger than other parts of me. Some people in this world are just sad, and don’t want to be alive. That’s just how some people happen to be. It's a fact. It maybe sad, it may hurt, but it's real. Just because others don’t really understand that feeling, doesn’t mean they have to be mean, and judgmental about it, but they always will be. That’s how other people are. Again, we’re all different. Understanding should be part of that difference, but it’s not. People will forever lash out against what’s different. There will always be people in this world who feel like it’s normal to insult, and judge those who are so different, that they don’t understand. These are people that will never grasp a certain concept. That just because they don’t understand or agree with something, they have to destroy and insult it. That to me…it’s painful. I don’t like how that makes me feel. So, when I feel like escaping to a world where, my mouth is sewn shut, and I’m dying in a bathtub, in the middle of a colorful little foggy world….I’ll do that. Because in my mind, that’s just better. It hurts less, and it’s just better than the real things. People will read my words, and study my thoughts, and they will automatically assume that I’m negative towards life. If that’s how it seems to people, fine. Everybody is allowed to have their own thoughts. I don’t believe that my thoughts towards death are all negative. Death scares me, but it also gives me this overwhelming feeling of a peace that lasts forever and ever. I should probably hide most of the things that I feel, I know that I should. This world isn’t mature enough to handle some of the thoughts that people have these days. It’s just how it happens to be now, you know?  My honesty will always turn most people against me, and it hurts, but it’s real. The real truth is, I’d happily take my very last breath listening to beautiful music, in the middle of a colorful fog, thinking about the few things in life that made me smile more often that not. Accept it, or don’t. You’re allowed to feel however it is that you feel.

Strange Irony

I wish it was possible to get through life without hurting people's feelings. Sure, you can keep your mouth shut, and never let out how to truly feel about some things. That's possible for some, but it's not always easy. That's what I do. It's so mind numbing, and frustrating, and it makes me crazy, but it's what I want. Honesty hurts people. Honesty is kinda' like music. Sometimes, what you're hearing is painful but it needs to be heard. Music is a voice, one that speaks truth, lies, love, hate, peace, war, life, death and so many other things. To me, that's what honesty is. There is just so much to say. Yet, I'd rather go to my grave holding most things inside. It's a dangerous flaw of mine, one that I feel I have to just embrace, and learn to live with.

 When you're honest with people, they get hurt. When I tell people things that get to me, I feel like a monster. Like an angry little monster that tears people down. We're all different people, we all feel different about certain things. So, when you have hate towards something that somebody else loves, and you say it out loud....feelings get hurt. Some people don't care. Some people find pleasure in hurting people, and their feelings. Some of them thrive on it, and can't go one day without tearing somebody else to pieces. I'll never be that person. I never want to be that person. Even when I'm being as nice as I possibly can be in my honestly, I still feel like a monster. One of the monsters that often tears me down.

 I cannot stress enough just how much I wish it was possible to get through life without hurting one's feelings. I understand, sometimes it's human nature to let it all out, and just be honest. It's ironic to me. I'm fighting against human nature, only to avoid being a monster. Strange Irony. Kinda' sounds like a song title.....