Adventure, Music, Monsters & Demons

I really want to talk about the good things. 

The new things going on in my life. Things that I’ve been lucky to experience lately. Days like this, days where I can be out and about, around people who inspire me. People who can relate, be aware of my crazy, and still put up with me. People who will go on random little adventures with me. Or, take me on little conquests. Believe me, there are new things. Crazy amazing things.

 Drawing awesome sauce creations, with chalk, a new friend, and ducks.  So many ducks.

Having complete strangers get infected artistically by what we were doing, jumping on the chalk wagon, and talking about music and dream concerts. 

Seeing a guy I knew for about two minutes, booty dance in a pair the shortest shorts I have ever seen.

Lettuce on pizza with no sauce, cheese, or toppings. It was just dough. It tasted like air, but you know what? It didn’t bother me that much, because it was part of the great adventure I was on.  Everything was great, I had fun. 

So, why is it so easy for one of my many demons to take it all away?

The little bastard discretely nibbled and chewed little bites off of my nerves throughout the day. It poked at me, it yelled at me, it made me feel bad about myself. I did my best to ignore it. I needed to just enjoy the adventure. Once the adventure ended, it took it’s final bite, chewed up every positive emotion I managed to hang onto for the day, and spit them out. As if my good mood tasted bad. As if the monster was offended that I was doing a little better. It couldn’t stand that I was happy, it couldn’t just let it go. I’ve known for a while, just how relentless this particular demon is, but it’s slightly more frustrating now.  This one does that. It complicates everything just to make me feel like lashing out. I cannot bring myself to lash out on this demon. No. Instead, I feel the need to lash out on myself. This demon, this ugly, heartless, life restraining monster, it doesn’t make me feel like hurting it. It doesn’t it make me feel like hurting others. It makes me feel like taking a razor blade across my skin, over and over again until I can’t feel feelings anymore. It makes me angry to see my own reflection in the mirror. It makes me feel like if I don’t make it happy, if I don’t just do what it wants, I’m nothing. I’m nothing without it. 

I tried so hard to hang onto the good stuff today. So, damn, hard. Thank God for good thoughts and memories. I will always have this day. Just like I will always have all my other good days. Only now, I’m infuriated with myself, and I’m fighting off the urge to cry my eyes out and scream. I have to think about the good things later, because I’m a pathetic puppet, hanging on strings, dancing for one of my own controlling demons. The fire is all on the inside, and it hurts. Only, I can’t let it out, because if I do, I will destroy myself in one way or another.  I ran from the monster, almost as far as I could go. I thought cutting the strings would be so much easier, but so far, it hasn’t been. I’m really ashamed of myself, I’m supposed to be doing better. My life isn’t just off track….it’s a thousand feet away from track, going in the opposite direction. 

“I don't know where to begin, to make these words take shape,
How to nurture a flame, and raise it to a blaze
That on the clearest night can be seen forever.
I don't know where to begin, or begin again.”

That’s ‘A Fire On a Hill’ by Hands like Houses. Amazing band, amazing song. That part of the song is how I feel like by life right now. I’m supposed to be starting over, and the people around me are helping me with that process. That makes everything slightly better. At least I’m not alone, and I know I’m not alone.  So, it’s very frustrating feeling lonely, because it makes me feel like I’m hurting people. That’s not my intention at all, but all the clutter floating around in my head, it’s getting me all mixed up. I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to go back to the monster. Only, I feel like it will happen, and I can’t even lie, it scares the Hell out of me. 

“Bring me home in a blinding dream
Through the secrets that I have seen
Wash the sorrow from off my skin
And show me how to be whole again”

That’s ‘Castle Of Class’ By Linkin Park. One of my favorites since their album, Hybrid Theory. That’s my favorite part of the song, it was before I even had a reason for it to be my favorite part. Now, I know. I’m craving guidance. I need help, I do. However, in my mind, anybody who tries to guide me, and help me, will just walk away. They will leave angry, they will leave frustrated, and I wouldn’t blame them a bit. 

Once Upon Time, in Reality

Alice should have stayed in Wonderland. Dorothy should have stayed in Oz. Peter pan had it right, and Wendy probably should have stayed with him in Neverland.

The real world, and the reality that most people are stuck in, it's a trap. It's a cruel, and damn near useless trap. I understand, that it's probably not fair for me to say that. It may not even be true, but I can't help but feel that way these days. Everywhere I look, I see pain. In people's eyes, and in their body language. I can hear it in their voice when they speak. It's a heartbreaking tone. It just makes you like hugging the person. Only, you know if you do, they'll just push you away.

They lie about their pain, just like they lie about yours. People tell you all the time that they're your friend. That you can trust them, and that they want to be there for you. You pretend to understand, because you've already realized that they are blowing you off in the middle of telling you that they care. Those are the kinds of people that really mess with my head. I don't hate them, and it's not very easy for me to get mad at them. It just hurts. I'd rather be told that I'm too depressed, and too much of a downer to hang out with. I'd rather people just tell me the truth, and say that they don't want to be around me. I know it hurts when people do that, people have done it to me before. Only, it hurts more when a person lies to my face about it. Claiming that they are so busy, and barely have time to breathe. You're told that, and then you go on social networks, like Facebook, and see photo after photo of that person handing out with a bunch of other people. You go on Instagram, and see the same thing.

I understand why people don't like being around me, most of the time, I don't even like being around me. I just hate that people think lying to me is easier. I guess I've know for a while, that I'm not really worth a lot. I just thought maybe I was worth the truth. Ever since I've been back in the area that I'm in, I'm starting to see that I'm not.

In Wonderland, nothing made sense. It was a mess. Tea parties, songs about how it's not your birthday. A stoned caterpillar, and a Queen that needed anger management. Yet, Alice learned a lot things about herself. A world full of nonsense brought out the best of her, at least that what I thought. Wonderland taught her things. It just seems like she learned better things. Better things than what this world has ever taught me.

Even if Dorothy wanted to go back to Kansas, I think she would have been better off staying in Oz. I think Alice and Dorothy would be best friends. I've always thought that, because both of them seemed so alone before they went on their adventures. No matter what, in the other worlds, or their own....I think if they would have found each other somehow, they would have been a little less lonely.

In Neverland, you're forever young. Enough said. Peter Pan had every right to be scared. He understood that when you grow up, the world can eat you alive. It can chew you up, and spit you back out, half alive. It's like....you wish it just would have killed you. If I were Wendy, I would have stayed. The stars shine brighter there. The water is blue, and it's full of mermaids. There's adventure there. You know what probably isn't there? Sickness. Things like Cancer, and mental illness. I bet the minute you get there, some of kind of weird magic takes it all away. In Neverland, you probably don't have to watch people you love die. Or feel your own body slowly shutting down. Sure, even if you can't grow up there's still death. Only, for some reason in my mind, in a place like that, once you're there, time stands still for you. Sickness goes away.

Sickness doesn't go away in this world. People lying to you for their own comfort, that will never stop. Bullies, Ignorance, and evil. All here to stay. The pressure to be just like everybody else, will hover over us like an angry rain cloud until the day we die.

Strange Irony

I wish it was possible to get through life without hurting people's feelings. Sure, you can keep your mouth shut, and never let out how to truly feel about some things. That's possible for some, but it's not always easy. That's what I do. It's so mind numbing, and frustrating, and it makes me crazy, but it's what I want. Honesty hurts people. Honesty is kinda' like music. Sometimes, what you're hearing is painful but it needs to be heard. Music is a voice, one that speaks truth, lies, love, hate, peace, war, life, death and so many other things. To me, that's what honesty is. There is just so much to say. Yet, I'd rather go to my grave holding most things inside. It's a dangerous flaw of mine, one that I feel I have to just embrace, and learn to live with.

 When you're honest with people, they get hurt. When I tell people things that get to me, I feel like a monster. Like an angry little monster that tears people down. We're all different people, we all feel different about certain things. So, when you have hate towards something that somebody else loves, and you say it out loud....feelings get hurt. Some people don't care. Some people find pleasure in hurting people, and their feelings. Some of them thrive on it, and can't go one day without tearing somebody else to pieces. I'll never be that person. I never want to be that person. Even when I'm being as nice as I possibly can be in my honestly, I still feel like a monster. One of the monsters that often tears me down.

 I cannot stress enough just how much I wish it was possible to get through life without hurting one's feelings. I understand, sometimes it's human nature to let it all out, and just be honest. It's ironic to me. I'm fighting against human nature, only to avoid being a monster. Strange Irony. Kinda' sounds like a song title.....