West Coast Bound then Broken

West Coast Bound & Broken

Thoughts throughout my recent vacation to California. 

April 28, 2015, 1:10 AM -

♫ - "No Parallels" by: Hands Like Houses

The train literally just pulled out of the station, and I already feel less stressed out and crazy. I'm almost crying tears of pure joy at the thought of getting away. I'm a walking emotional ball of feelings in general, so I'll probably end up crying eventually. That doesn't matter, I'm going to a place that brings out genuine happiness from within me. I can remove the mask, and smile for real. There are some people in my life that would be blown away by the difference in my behavior when I'm away from Western New York. People don't believe me, but the West Coast makes everything better in my eyes. This is part of the reason why I believe that environment makes all the difference in the world. Not for everybody, but we're all different in our own way. Even when there's a person that's grown up and lived in the same area for most of their life, and moved.

Multiple times. 

At this point, I wouldn't care if I didn't get to stay west coast, the train ride is so peaceful for me, and I love it. I could go all the way there and get right back on the train and feel rejuvenated. I'm not stuck in a place that makes me feel broken, and I'm not up in a giant flying coffin thousands of feet in the air. I'm on a tiny vacation that moves, and I feel better than I have in a very long time. I can't wait to wake up, and be somewhere else. I would say somewhere new, but I've been on this adventure before. Either way, I hope I can wake up and smile. Like an actual, genuine smile, not the fake one I use on a daily basis to make others less uncomfortable. 

April 30th, 2015, 8:10 AM -

♫ - "The Edge of Tonight" by: All Time Low

It's a bittersweet thing that I am actually in LA right now. Bitter because plans fell apart during the ride here, plans that meant a lot to me. It's become clear that certain people in my life, on this coast, mean more to me than I mean to them. That's part of my life, and it defines my friendships with most people. I can't lie, it always and forever will hurt my feelings. However, it doesn't hurt any less when I figure that out about another friend. The sweet part is I'm here, and I'm looking at Palm trees. Getting off of the train was slightly discomforting. It was time, that's for sure, but I don't think I was entirely ready. Not because I wasn't ready to be here, but because I sincerely love being on the train. It makes me feel oddly free, it's almost euphoric. As for actually physically being on this coast, it's absolutely freaking perfect. I can breathe, I can think straight, I am home. I don't feel anxious, I don't feel shaky, or like I need a drink. I'm where I belong. It's temporary. Painfully temporary but, I won't think about that now. 

May 4th, 2015, 6:34 PM -

♫ - "Jesus Christ" by: Brand New

I feel sick. My trip is ending so much earlier than it was supposed to. I understand that's how it happens to be, there isn't anything I can do about it. However, I strongly dislike it. Every single one of my demons were out of my head this whole time. It feels like the further away from Western New York I went, more and more of those demons jumped out along the way. Now that I'm going back, city by city, they'll jump back. By the time I reach the dreaded final destination, the little monsters will be screaming. Filling my head with everything that makes me wish that I was never born. I'm genuinely sorry if that's "dramatic" sounding, or depressing. It's how I feel, but most people don't take others feelings into account. I'm not just talking about my feelings alone, I mean people's feelings in general. I see it more and more these days. More often than not, I see and  hear of people's feelings being disregarded, chewed up, and pushed away.

Forgotten.

Ripped apart.

Judged unfairly and criticized.

There are people that tell me the negative things that others say about me. The most popular has been that I'm  too depressing to be around. I've heard that a lot, and it's hard. I totally understand why that opinion of me that exists. The hardest part of that is that it's somewhat true. I suffer with depression, that means I'll be depressed at times. I suffer from severe anxiety, that means I'm anxious, both mentally and physically. I have post traumatic stress, that means so many different things. My health, mentally and physically continues to get worse. It seems my mask doesn't cover as much as I thought it did. It would be mostly wishful thinking if I thought I could make the mask bigger and stronger before I get back. 

May 10th, 2015, 5:12 AM - 

♫ - "Car Radio" by: twenty one pilots

I had a weird....episode in my sleep a couple nights ago. I say episode, because I'm not sure if it was a dream or a nightmare. It was so damn bittersweet, that it's mildly frustrating even now. 

I was sitting in an empty bathtub, fully clothed. One of those really deep tubs, and it was placed in he middle of a forest that was nothing but trees with pink flower petals. I was in love with what I was seeing, it was beautiful. I could hear wind, birds chirping, and the air even smelled sweet. Suddenly, I was being pulled backwards, under water, that wasn't there literally a second before. Somebody is holding my shoulders down. I didn't struggle, I didn't want to make the process any longer. I get this weird feeling of euphoria, and just as I think it's almost over, I'm pulled up. Only, the environment is different. Everything is just gray. A dark gray color. Like nothingness. Gray and quiet nothingness, for miles and beyond that. The silence was deafening, and I felt colorblind. I tried going under the water, but it was gone just as quick as it had appeared. The tub was empty again, and I was alone in the middle nothing. 

It could have meant a few different things. It might not have meant anything at all. My best guess is that it has a lot to do with me being back here again. Environment can effect us so much more than people believe. This place sucks the life right out of me. I'm happy that it doesn't happen to other people. Friends that like it here. Even people I'm not friends with, I wouldn't wish feeling this way on my worst enemy. 

Feeling alone, even when you're with people. 

Having a constant thought in the back of your mind telling you that you're better off dead, or never having been born. 

Feeling like your mere existence bothers every single person that you ever have contact with.  

The constant need to hurt yourself, for ether control, or punishment. 

The moment I stepped foot off of the train, it all came flooding back. I know it sounds impossible, but it was physically painful. It was like waking into a brick wall. In two weeks, I went from being an utterly useless human being, to feeling like my life had a purpose, and back again. I just wish that there was a way for me to feel like "West Coast Me" while I was here. I've tried, I have but it just doesn't work. Sometimes, life can be like going to be movies. All the good parts, were in the trailer. It's weird, today I am exactly twenty eight years, and five months old. I feel just as dead on the inside as I did when I turned twenty eight. Hopefully, someday, California will revive me again. 

Hear No Evil, See No Evil.

When Robin Williams left us, people kept on saying something along the lines of....

"Maybe people will pay attention now."

To me, that statement is somewhat bittersweet. Unfortunately, in this situation, my belief is that the bitter part over powers the sweet part. This is just one of many things that frustrates me about humanity, and society. Most of the time, it takes illness or something like death for people to open their eyes to certain things. Drastic measures make for drastic reactions. One emotion in particular brings others to the surface.

Fear.

It brings untouched emotions to the surface in a very quick and aggressive manner. It effects us all, yes, but in different ways. Those who don't suffer from mental illness, people who don't deal with the evils that are depression and anxiety, they have fear, but it's not the same. Their fear is subtle yet aggressive at the same time. When a person that doesn't suffer from any illness like those particular ones learns that somebody has taken their own life, it makes zero sense to them. So, there they sit, trying to justify it in a way that makes them comfortable with the random thoughts running through their mind.

"They should have gotten help."

"They should have gotten over it."

"It was a cop out, they were cowards."

"There's no way it was that bad."

"They were selfish."

NO. 

I can't help but get very upset when people make statements like that. I believe everybody is entitled to they're own opinion, we are all free to have our own beliefs. To each their own, it's a personal right. However, in my opinion, and in my experience....people who make statements like that have no idea what it's like to have severe mental illness.  Their demons are either nonexistent or quieter. Now, I'm not saying that I wish that everybody suffered from problems like that. I guess I just have very little to zero faith in most people when it comes to sensitivity and understanding. After years of having so many different problems, it's become very clear to me that most people aren't tolerant of things like anxiety and depression. They aren't patient with you, or the fact that you have those issues and it makes things harder for you. Or the fact that if you're anxious or depressed, it makes things of the most simple nature harder. They know, but they don't care, or they don't have the solution, so they pretend like it's not there. Some people will even go so far as to pretend that you aren't there. That sounds completely made up, I know, but I've seen it happen. People really can go that far, and they will.

I think that death is a trend at times, and it's very sad. When Phillip Seymour died, and people learned about his demons and drug addiction, they made statements that matched the statements about Robin Williams. Same with when people heard about Cory Monteith. 

"I had no idea. Oh my God, maybe more people will pay attention now."

Only, that didn't happen. Not with Phillip Seymour, Robin or Cory. Two days after Robin Williams was gone, people were promptly back to dumping ice water on their heads, and going on judgmental rants in their social network statuses. That's what I'm talking about when I say that death is a trend. People mourn, and move on, and that's totally acceptable. Only, I think it's unfortunate how people are so quick to make those kinds of statements, when they have zero intention of being more aware.

Over the years I've seen people take some very drastic measures to avoid helping others. Especially people who can't just openly admit that they don't want to help, or don't know how to help. For some, it's about effort, or having patience. Or, just not knowing what to do. For others, it's denial. They don't believe that depression or anxiety are real. For others, it's about religion. Suicide is supposed to condemn you to Hell, so you're considered to be evil before you're even dead. If a person knows you're suicidal, sometimes they will choose not to see or hear you for those reasons. I've also learned that those of us who are addicted to self harm are looked at as selfish, because we're hurting one of God's creations. Personally, I don't agree with some of that, but not I'm criticizing those who do. I'm simply pointing out some things I've noticed about people who are on the sidelines of the cruel game that is mental illness. Out of sight, out of mind. Only, not for people like me. The demons linger in our minds like cobwebs. 

"Please come back, but don't come near me."

I'm not really sure if that's a quote, or lyrics from a song, or what. I just like the words, and I found them on accident. I relate to those words, but I think they kind of tie into what I've been saying. People who chose to get angry at depressed, suicidal people, they tend to have that kind of attitude towards it. In a way, it's like they're saying....

"I don't want anything to do with you, but I want you alive."

Again, this is my opinion, I'm not claiming these things to be facts. It's just how I see it through my eyes. Now, I think a person has every right to feel that way. Hell, I'm guilty of it in a way. There's people I love, but can't handle being around. It's just one of those very suckish, very devastating feelings that some deal with from time to time. It's irrational, but there's nothing we can do about it. We're only human after all, you know? 

(Photographic Dramatization) 

Some of us have been marked for extinction since day one. Only....those marks, they can't be seen right from the beginning. As you grow, and get older, you learn, stuff happens. You learn about things. Beautiful things, happy things, sad and horrible things. You learn about yourself, and other people. You learn about how much, not just actions hurt, but words too. Soon, those actions, those words, and the hatred behind them, they turn into something else. There's a point that's reached, one that not everybody will always get to. It's the point where you realize that hurting them back doesn't bring peace. That's when the invisible mark transforms. The mark, it turns into a scar. After that, the scars....they multiply. I'm not the type of person that can just let go of the hateful things that people say to me. I wish I was, but I'm not. I'm just not that strong, and I admire people who are that strong. With me, it's like that whole demonstration with a sheet of paper. 

The paper, it starts of clean and unharmed.

 After it's crumpled up into a ball, and unfolded, it' damaged beyond repair. It will never be the same, no matter what.

(Photographic Dramatization) 

It can only get worse from that point.

(Photographic Dramatization) 

Worse and worse, until there's nothing left but wrinkles and mess.

(Photographic Dramatization) 

It's a shame that some of us are really that fragile, for many reasons, it's a shame.

One thing I've learned, is that sometimes, people just don't want to help you. It could be that, they are just that kind of person, or it could be that you're the kind of person that people don't want to help. Regardless, life goes on in one way or another. Me, I'm tired of life in general. I have been for a very long time, it's just how it is. Just recently, I was in a situation that was very frustrating. It was a level of frustration that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It was almost like sitting in the waiting room outside of Hell. I was trying to make things better for myself, and it just fell apart so fast. I'm pretty sure I lost a very close friend, and it will break my heart forever. That friend, along with another one, they said things to me that really hit me. Like a brick wall. Basically, I learned the perception these people have of me. It wasn't eye opening in the way you'd think either. See, they made assumptions about me, and based their opinions on those assumptions. It hurt a lot, and it made me hate myself even more than I already did. The fact that I had somehow made these people jump to the conclusions that they did, it killed me. The fact that me needing their help was just burden, and that I thought they were alright with me needing their help. Those are things that eat my emotions alive. During that time, I was lucky enough to have another friend, and a new friend....give me hope, and shine some light on certain aspects of my life. 

The best way I can describe these two people is.....fireworks. They are just like fireworks. Their personalities explode, and go all over the place in the most beautiful way possible. They're colorful, and able to take your mind away from all the bad things for a little while. Instead of telling me everything that was wrong with me, they made me see what could be. They pointed out the good things, and had me concentrate on those good things. Their faith made me believe for a little while. Their attitudes towards me weren't negative or threatening. They didn't make me feel stupid for thinking the things that I do. Instead of yelling at me, and talking to me in a way that triggered my anxiety, they were patient, they were loving, they were kind. They recognized my pain, and dealt with it in the most perfect way. I'm thankful for all of my friends. Even the friends that are no longer a part of my life. Maybe I'm mean for saying this, and I don't mean to be.....but there are just some friends that understand me better. People that understand that anger, aggression, and and negativity are not things that I respond well to. My own family hasn't been able to figure that out in the last twenty seven years, so I'm not in shock when I see that other people don't get it either. Only, when certain people understand that about me right away, it makes me smile. It makes everything better for a little while. It makes me forget that I am a walking mistake, and that I never should have been born to begin with. It makes me forget that being in pain is a burden to most, even those who are closest to my heart. It makes me forget about the demons that are constantly whispering in my ear.  When people treat me like a person, it just makes me forget. 

I'm not angry. I'm not bitter. I'm just noticing things. One thing I've noticed a lot lately, and that the mentally ill are not tolerated by most. So, the next time a person takes their own life, hurts themselves, or lashes out in a way that you don't understand......don't pretend to care. Don't make assumptions, because assumptions are judgement's angry cousins. Don't think twice, think three times.

There's plenty of reasons why people let Death win. Try not to let your attitude, words and actions be any of those reasons.

Adventure, Music, Monsters & Demons

I really want to talk about the good things. 

The new things going on in my life. Things that I’ve been lucky to experience lately. Days like this, days where I can be out and about, around people who inspire me. People who can relate, be aware of my crazy, and still put up with me. People who will go on random little adventures with me. Or, take me on little conquests. Believe me, there are new things. Crazy amazing things.

 Drawing awesome sauce creations, with chalk, a new friend, and ducks.  So many ducks.

Having complete strangers get infected artistically by what we were doing, jumping on the chalk wagon, and talking about music and dream concerts. 

Seeing a guy I knew for about two minutes, booty dance in a pair the shortest shorts I have ever seen.

Lettuce on pizza with no sauce, cheese, or toppings. It was just dough. It tasted like air, but you know what? It didn’t bother me that much, because it was part of the great adventure I was on.  Everything was great, I had fun. 

So, why is it so easy for one of my many demons to take it all away?

The little bastard discretely nibbled and chewed little bites off of my nerves throughout the day. It poked at me, it yelled at me, it made me feel bad about myself. I did my best to ignore it. I needed to just enjoy the adventure. Once the adventure ended, it took it’s final bite, chewed up every positive emotion I managed to hang onto for the day, and spit them out. As if my good mood tasted bad. As if the monster was offended that I was doing a little better. It couldn’t stand that I was happy, it couldn’t just let it go. I’ve known for a while, just how relentless this particular demon is, but it’s slightly more frustrating now.  This one does that. It complicates everything just to make me feel like lashing out. I cannot bring myself to lash out on this demon. No. Instead, I feel the need to lash out on myself. This demon, this ugly, heartless, life restraining monster, it doesn’t make me feel like hurting it. It doesn’t it make me feel like hurting others. It makes me feel like taking a razor blade across my skin, over and over again until I can’t feel feelings anymore. It makes me angry to see my own reflection in the mirror. It makes me feel like if I don’t make it happy, if I don’t just do what it wants, I’m nothing. I’m nothing without it. 

I tried so hard to hang onto the good stuff today. So, damn, hard. Thank God for good thoughts and memories. I will always have this day. Just like I will always have all my other good days. Only now, I’m infuriated with myself, and I’m fighting off the urge to cry my eyes out and scream. I have to think about the good things later, because I’m a pathetic puppet, hanging on strings, dancing for one of my own controlling demons. The fire is all on the inside, and it hurts. Only, I can’t let it out, because if I do, I will destroy myself in one way or another.  I ran from the monster, almost as far as I could go. I thought cutting the strings would be so much easier, but so far, it hasn’t been. I’m really ashamed of myself, I’m supposed to be doing better. My life isn’t just off track….it’s a thousand feet away from track, going in the opposite direction. 

“I don't know where to begin, to make these words take shape,
How to nurture a flame, and raise it to a blaze
That on the clearest night can be seen forever.
I don't know where to begin, or begin again.”

That’s ‘A Fire On a Hill’ by Hands like Houses. Amazing band, amazing song. That part of the song is how I feel like by life right now. I’m supposed to be starting over, and the people around me are helping me with that process. That makes everything slightly better. At least I’m not alone, and I know I’m not alone.  So, it’s very frustrating feeling lonely, because it makes me feel like I’m hurting people. That’s not my intention at all, but all the clutter floating around in my head, it’s getting me all mixed up. I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to go back to the monster. Only, I feel like it will happen, and I can’t even lie, it scares the Hell out of me. 

“Bring me home in a blinding dream
Through the secrets that I have seen
Wash the sorrow from off my skin
And show me how to be whole again”

That’s ‘Castle Of Class’ By Linkin Park. One of my favorites since their album, Hybrid Theory. That’s my favorite part of the song, it was before I even had a reason for it to be my favorite part. Now, I know. I’m craving guidance. I need help, I do. However, in my mind, anybody who tries to guide me, and help me, will just walk away. They will leave angry, they will leave frustrated, and I wouldn’t blame them a bit. 

Once Upon Time, in Reality

Alice should have stayed in Wonderland. Dorothy should have stayed in Oz. Peter pan had it right, and Wendy probably should have stayed with him in Neverland.

The real world, and the reality that most people are stuck in, it's a trap. It's a cruel, and damn near useless trap. I understand, that it's probably not fair for me to say that. It may not even be true, but I can't help but feel that way these days. Everywhere I look, I see pain. In people's eyes, and in their body language. I can hear it in their voice when they speak. It's a heartbreaking tone. It just makes you like hugging the person. Only, you know if you do, they'll just push you away.

They lie about their pain, just like they lie about yours. People tell you all the time that they're your friend. That you can trust them, and that they want to be there for you. You pretend to understand, because you've already realized that they are blowing you off in the middle of telling you that they care. Those are the kinds of people that really mess with my head. I don't hate them, and it's not very easy for me to get mad at them. It just hurts. I'd rather be told that I'm too depressed, and too much of a downer to hang out with. I'd rather people just tell me the truth, and say that they don't want to be around me. I know it hurts when people do that, people have done it to me before. Only, it hurts more when a person lies to my face about it. Claiming that they are so busy, and barely have time to breathe. You're told that, and then you go on social networks, like Facebook, and see photo after photo of that person handing out with a bunch of other people. You go on Instagram, and see the same thing.

I understand why people don't like being around me, most of the time, I don't even like being around me. I just hate that people think lying to me is easier. I guess I've know for a while, that I'm not really worth a lot. I just thought maybe I was worth the truth. Ever since I've been back in the area that I'm in, I'm starting to see that I'm not.

In Wonderland, nothing made sense. It was a mess. Tea parties, songs about how it's not your birthday. A stoned caterpillar, and a Queen that needed anger management. Yet, Alice learned a lot things about herself. A world full of nonsense brought out the best of her, at least that what I thought. Wonderland taught her things. It just seems like she learned better things. Better things than what this world has ever taught me.

Even if Dorothy wanted to go back to Kansas, I think she would have been better off staying in Oz. I think Alice and Dorothy would be best friends. I've always thought that, because both of them seemed so alone before they went on their adventures. No matter what, in the other worlds, or their own....I think if they would have found each other somehow, they would have been a little less lonely.

In Neverland, you're forever young. Enough said. Peter Pan had every right to be scared. He understood that when you grow up, the world can eat you alive. It can chew you up, and spit you back out, half alive. It's like....you wish it just would have killed you. If I were Wendy, I would have stayed. The stars shine brighter there. The water is blue, and it's full of mermaids. There's adventure there. You know what probably isn't there? Sickness. Things like Cancer, and mental illness. I bet the minute you get there, some of kind of weird magic takes it all away. In Neverland, you probably don't have to watch people you love die. Or feel your own body slowly shutting down. Sure, even if you can't grow up there's still death. Only, for some reason in my mind, in a place like that, once you're there, time stands still for you. Sickness goes away.

Sickness doesn't go away in this world. People lying to you for their own comfort, that will never stop. Bullies, Ignorance, and evil. All here to stay. The pressure to be just like everybody else, will hover over us like an angry rain cloud until the day we die.