There
can sometimes be these incredible moments that happen in life. You're
at this weird point where everything seems to be standing still.
Nothing you want is in reach, and everything that you're trying
desperately to hang onto seems to slipping away faster and faster as
each day passes by. The more tears you cry, the slower your heart
beats, and giving up just feels so right. Going through the motions
isn't even a justifiable way to describe it anymore.
There
are so many monsters inside of my head. Telling me how to feel.
Forcing me to think about things. Not voices, I don't have
schizophrenia, or anything like that. The monsters are negative,
mean, hurtful memories from the past. Echos that I've been hearing my
whole life. I used to think that they came went on and off, from time
to time. Now, I'm thinking that they never really go anywhere.
They're always there, just waiting the remind me. Waiting to mock,
and bully me. It's almost ironic. I don't handle bullying well, I'm
the person that cowers into a corner when it's happening to me. Yet,
it's my own thoughts and memories that are backing me into the
corner. It's so frustrating, it's almost like I might as well be
punching myself in the face, or pulling my own hair. My brain is
already telling me how much I suck at life, and meaningless my
existence truly is. How empty I'll always be. It's no secret what
that is, at least it's not to me. My low self esteem took a pretty
serious turn for the worse at some point. That's part of why I think
talking to people about myself is a huge waste of time. I don't have
all good things to say about myself, so when I'm honest about it, I
get yelled at. People get angry, and snap at me. Telling me that I
shouldn't think those things about myself, and that they aren't true.
Only, they just don't understand it enough to respond in a way that
makes me comfortable. I don't get mad at those people, ever. I really
do understand why certain people get so fired up about my self
loathing issue. They just don't get how complicated it really is.
When
you are told for years and years by people that you being so much
different is bad, and that you shouldn't be how you are. When they
tell you that you're appearance, and the way that you choose to look
is weird, and unacceptable. When they look at you like you're crazy
as Hell for saying something that's on your mind. When they spend so
much time and effort breaking you down. All of that, it tends to
stick, and it sticks hard. For some of us, all of that will reflect
on our future, even if we don't think it will. For some, it only
makes them stronger, and proving those people wrong becomes a huge
part of daily life. There is nothing wrong with that in my eyes.
Hell, I wish I would have landed on that side of the fence, but I
didn't. Not everybody does. What people don't understand, is
that....you can't just get rid of that over night. Like I said, it
sticks hard. Eventually, it makes you think the worst of yourself.
It's not like pressing a button, and having it all go away.
Especially not when you're yelled at and made to feel stupid for
thinking bad things about yourself. You might a well be pouring
gasoline onto a fire. When you call a person stupid for thinking
thinking that they, themselves, are stupid, the outcome will either
be the same, or a little worse. Either way, it's not right. It's
always nice to hear that somebody doesn't have those same horrible
thoughts about you. It's not nice when they respond with anger. It
just hurts more. Maybe that's just me being the overly sensitive
person that I am. Regardless, it doesn't feel good.
When
a person is pretty much at the end of their rope, I think one of the
worst things you can do is respond negativity. You might as well be
the one that takes the final tug, and pulls the rope away. Then, you
just watch them fall. Down, down, down until they hit the bottom.
Then what? Nothing. You've accomplished nothing. Tone is everything,
and it's not always easy to have control over, but I feel like people
don't even try anymore. They are all too happy to be the bigger
person, and the only way they can do that is to make you feel as
small as they possibly can. Like for people who self harm.
“You're
stupid to hurt yourself like that!”
“Why
would you do that to yourself?”
“If
you really cared about me, you'd stop doing that.”
“If
you don't stop doing that, I'm done with you.”
“You're
crazy.”
“I
don't understand why you do that.”
Exactly.
You don't understand, you just said it yourself. So, how can you
stand there, and say all those things? Especially if you don't
understand. You can't force people to understand things that they
don't, at least not right away. But, I think that people who don't
fully understand things right away have some things to learn too.
Like, just because you don't get it, doesn't mean you have to insult
it, or make somebody else feel like garbage. Self harming, or people
who use drugs. People who have alcohol addictions, people who have
eating disorders, or phobias. Depression, Anxiety, all of that. You
can't turn it off over night. Which brings me back to the whole low
self esteem thing. You can't just turn it off. Not with a switch, not
with a button, and not with negativity. Some would call it tough
love, and maybe that works for some people. Anger only pushes people
like me, deeper and deeper down. It fuels the fire. Because now I'm
thinking....
“They
agree with me, they're right. I'm stupid, and everything I do hurts
people and makes them angry. Nobody really understands, so I might as
well just sew my mouth shut with a needle and thread, and call it a
day.”
See?
That may sound dramatic to some, but for me, and others like me, it's
way too real. It's the reason why some people choose to suffer in
silence. Judgment is around every corner. Hate waits on your doorstep
like a unwanted guest on a daily basis. Sure, it's easy for some to
ignore, but not all of us. Some people in this world might as well me
blind and deaf, because it seems like the only way to escape the
monsters. The fear, and pain, the Devil and all his games. There is
evil in this world, and it comes in all shapes and sizes. All forms.
It's in people's words, and actions. It's in people's eyes, and it
sits over all of our heads like a dark cloud. Waiting to rain down on
everybody that still has love inside of their hearts. It's all too
easy to caught up in. To me, it doesn't matter where you stand, the
monsters can always get to you. Some people don't care. They're ready
for their world to end. It's when the monsters go after the ones we
love. That's when we choose to stand up and fight. I can't lie, I'd
fight for whoever is in my heart, for whatever reason. When it comes
to myself, it means nothing. It's been like that for a very long
time, and I'll admit, it's gotten me into a lot of trouble. Things
might be different for me today, had I cared about myself before. My
mind might be a little more clear.
So,
when one of those incredible little moments comes along, I can't help
but put so much behind it. Like tonight. I heard these weird little
explosion noises coming from outside. I knew what it was right away,
and I had to smile. Anybody that really knows me, knows that I have
this awkward obsession with fireworks. I mean, I enter another world
when there are fireworks going off. I went outside, and sure enough
in the distance, there were this amazingly beautiful display of
fireworks. The bests kinds. The gold and white ones that kinda rain
down after they explode. The ones that shoot straight up, and
disappear for a moment, only when they finally do go off, it's big
and beautiful. When I see those, I can't help but think about that is
probably one of the best ways to make an entrance. I saw every color,
and even though I was already listening to music....I didn't really
need to be. Watching fireworks is like watching certain music take
visual form. It's just so easy to get lost in the lights, the fire,
and the colors. Even the sound. When I was standing there, watching
them....everything just went away. The monsters inside of my head,
the pain in my heart....everything. It was just gone for a little
while. For once, the tears I was crying were tears of joy. It was one
of the best feelings I have felt in a very long time. Sure, the
moment is gone now. But, I have the memory, and that means more to me
than I think I'll ever be able to really describe.
There
can sometimes be these incredible moments that happen in life. My
advice is, when those things to happen....try not to forget them. Try
to keep the monsters away from those memories. Those are the moments
that can make you smile later on down the road. And it's beautiful.
Even if only for a moment.
