It's weird that it's 2015, it doesn't seem real to me. I kind of wish it wasn't. I didn't think I would make it until 2015, I didn't want to either.
The path my thoughts have taken, lead them to a very unnerving, alluring place. I'm not really sure what to call it, but I sincerely hope nobody else has a place like this lingering inside of their heads. It's toxic, evil, and addictive. Beautiful too, and that's what's so confusing, I can't talk about it without saying good things.
Let me see if I can paint the picture a little better. Imagine being terrified of the dark, and being trapped in very dark woods. Only, your favorite music is playing, or it smells absolutely amazing, and you're warm and cozy. You can see a light in the distance, and you know you can get there. Only, with that light comes some of the worst things you've ever had to deal with in your life. Things that destroy you, things that you should probably try your very hardest to avoid. That may not be clear to most people, but it's the best way I'm able to describe it right now. Inside of my head, is a major cluster fuck, so when I do attempt to explain things, I don't blame people for loosing interest. Or, looking at me like I should never open my mouth again.
I was honestly under the impression that my thoughts, and demons would kill me before the new year. I was, and I didn't care. When you wake up every morning, and get upset because you woke up at all, to me, that means life is hurting you. Life requires strength in the same way that pain demands to be felt. I'm not a strong person. I think that I might have been a long time ago, but I'm broken now. I am a broken person, and it's not even a secret anymore. Everybody knows, and it's not really important at this point. I try my hardest to just smile my way though things, because my anxiety, depression, and other issues just make people uncomfortable. Which makes me uncomfortable, so it's just a vicious circle of unnecessary discomfort. Sometimes, it comes out, and I cry in public because my anxiety gets out of control. I really wish that never happened, because I know it annoys everybody. It's not healthy to keep it inside, I know that. It's part of why I'm so messed up in the first place. That's what happens when certain people have a toxic bubble of mental illness growing inside. It gets bigger and bigger until it explodes. After, it just starts filling back up again. With the old things, and new things. It's no way to live, at least not for me. That's why the new year is weighing on me the way it is, because I really didn't count on making it this far.
I feel so bad for people that have to deal with anxiety, and depression. Especially people who are surrounded by others telling them that the illness they suffer from isn't real. It upsets me so much when people dumb mental illness down to the point where they might as well just say that it's not real. People do just straight out say that it's not real, I've heard it. I've talked about this before, and I'll always get defensive about it,for as long as I'm alive. Mainly because I'm tired of seeing other people that suffer from the same things that I do, get told that they need to cheer up and stop being so sad. Depression is not just sadness, and anxiety is not just indecision. So, no, telling an anxious person to "calm down" isn't going to fix them. In fact, saying that may only make it worse. Hearing those words, when you're having an attack puts a lot of pressure on, and it sucks. It's almost like you're expected to just press a button and shut it off. So, when you have pressure of that thought thrown at you when you're already having an internal nervous break down, it's absolutely devastating. That's like sticking your hand in a fire, and expecting it not to hurt.
I'm trapped in a place where I don't belong. It's where I grew up, but I never really belonged. I'm what I like to call a "Walking Black Joke". There isn't very much diversity here. So, for as long as I can remember, I've just been labeled as "The Black One".....and it never used to bother me. I didn't know anything different, I didn't really understand. Now more than ever, I understand, and I wish that I would have just stayed naive. I realize now that, that's all there is to me around here. I let people say the things they say, and I play along with it. The truth is, if I didn't, most people would just stop talking to me. I have enough problems in my life that make people want to keep their distance from me. I don't want to add something else to the list. I grew up in a white community, a very small one. Not that I think anybody will really understand this, but....I'm not accepted by other African American people, because of how I grew up. On top of that, I'm not accepted by Caucasian people, because of the color of my skin. I'm not accepted by a lot of people in general, because of my lifestyle, and personality. It's a Hell that I hope nobody else has to be trapped in. So, that brings one question to the surface.
Where will I ever be accepted?
Nowhere.
That hurts me, but I know it's the truth. I'm not taken at all seriously by most people, which is whatever at this point. So being a walking joke, it's really not that big a deal right now. It is part of what makes my anxiety and depression so bad, but it is what it is. It's too late to change it. I'm not saying that's the main reason I have the problems that I do, because there's just no way that's the case. It was childhood, it was growing up, it was a lot of things, and it was a mess. There's this quote I know, I honestly have no idea where it's from, but I like it.
"Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you."
It's perfect. I couldn't have worded it any better if I tried. I'm sure that applies to so many different people. Honestly, I think it's a very bittersweet statement. A very true, very clear fact, that may or may not be relevant to how people feel. In my opinion, it's on point. Being back where I grew up, it's just a huge mistake, but there really isn't anything I can do about it. Some might argue that for many reasons, one being that since I keep ending up back here, mean that I do belong somewhere. I don't agree with that. I understand why people would have that opinion, I do. Only, that's really not the case. It's not just me, I'm not the only one that feels trapped by this place. I can see it in other's people's eyes. I can see that they wish they had left, and had a different life. I can see the pain they're in, I can see how angry they are at themselves for getting stuck. I really feel for those people, because I know how much it hurts. I know that it's not easy to have passion in your heart directed towards things that aren't possible in a place like this. It's not comfortable, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Now I'm a year older, and it just makes me sick. Happy 28th Birthday, I am dead on the inside.
