Honesty, not always the "best policy."

Honesty can be a huge mistake. Especially when you have issues. Any issues, not just issues like mine. Being honest pushes people so far away, it's a wonder they were ever close in the first place. Its even weird when you're reading it. I'll throw out an example. If somebody were to ask me, where I saw myself a few years from now, to my face. I'd say I didn't know. The real answer is sad and simple.

Gone.

That's the real answer. Now that it's out there, I promise that it's made at least one person decide to cut me from their life. It hurts, but that's pretty much how it works. It's starting to bother me less and less. I'm starting to get used to things like this. Being avoided, having things sugar coated and seeing people roll their eyes at me when they think that I'm not looking. That's why having a mask is so important to me. People have every right to feel how they feel about me. Making them feel guilty about it, isn't fair. I've recently been seeing people that I haven't in a long time. It's almost insane how fast the regret hits their tone, and behavior towards me. I have no regrets but, there's a weird lesson I guess. You might consider a person your friend, but that doesn't mean you are their friend. It's like a really awkward, hidden rule. Nobody talks about it, because it makes them feel bad. I wish I didn't see it that way, but I do. That's another reason honesty can be a mistake. Obviously, I have trust issues, and zero faith left in humanity. Somebody told me that, I have a clear perspective of the human race as a whole. If that is the case, I wish that I didn't. It's painful. The little monsters inside of my head, they are constantly reminding me that I'm not meant to be here anymore. I'd say I wished they would be quiet, but silence is deafening. 

♫ Sometimes quiet is violent

I find it hard to hide it

My pride is no longer inside

It's on my sleeve

My skin will scream

Reminding me of

Who I killed inside my dream.

- 21 Pilots

I love those lyrics so much, they speak loud to me, loud and clear. The lyrics that come from that band usually do. This song in particular makes more sense to me than it probably should. 

 ♫ I ponder of something terrifying,

'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind.

I find over the course of our human existence,

One thing consists of consistence.

And it's that we're all battling fear

Oh dear, 

I don't know if we know why we're here.

Oh my,

Too deep

Please stop thinking.

I liked it better when my car had sound.

- 21 Pilots

Silence is an emptiness that I'm terrified of. It's a weird sickness, but Music is the cure. I wish it was the cure for other issues me, and other people have. It's helps, don't get me wrong. I used to be able to find a song for any circumstance. Not a very useful skill, but it was a skill that I was proud of. I don't like seeing others suffer, it breaks my heart. Helping people, through music always just seemed like the loving thing to do. Aside from hugging them for as long as possible. I no longer make people feel better, I just make them uncomfortable. That's the last thing I want. I just don't belong here, I don't. I know the truth hurts, it kills happiness like cancer. 

It's not always the answer.