When a person thinks of life as a whole, the possibilities are endless. Endless in a way that seems almost impossible, positive and negative thoughts alike.
Life scares me a little more then death, I have to admit that. When I think of my life as it stands for me right now, I shut down. Not because of how defeated I feel, or because of how much pain I'm in. It's because there are so many different thoughts running through my head on a daily basis. Way too many, and not only does it make my head hurt, it makes it spin.
It's like being stuck on the flying swings at an amusement park. Spinning round and round, trapped in between up above and down below. Going absolutely nowhere. While you're on the cycle, you can hear everything going on around you, but you can't hear it clearly. You can see things in the distance, but you can't really figure out what they are, because you're not still long enough to see it clearly. You wish more than anything you could hold somebody's hand, but all the hands available are out of reach. So close, yet just far enough away, that is mocks the comfort you're desperate to feel.
My life is just so surreal to me at this point. Sometimes it feels like one long dream, other times, a never ending nightmare. There are even times I have to laugh, because it feels like a practical joke that won’t end. It's ironic really, because it shouldn't be funny. I guess me laughing about it is more out of frustration than it is humor. The demons I hear in my head on a daily basis are constantly whispering in my ears about how the good memories will fade. I try so hard to hold onto those, and the memories that have impacted my life in good ways. Memories involving music, love, and beauty. Friends, bonds with people, and just overall happiness. It's so hard to hold onto, because the whispers about the bad things get louder and louder every single day. Some of the thoughts in my head are terrifying. I can't even begin to explain the feeling I get when I'm just sitting, and thinking, and scary thoughts start eating away at me, and they don't let up. Thoughts about people I love getting hurt in these horrible ways. Thoughts about what people that dislike me would do to me. I think about things that I have seen, things that I might see. Things that I probably never will see, but still I can't get the images out of mind. It just makes me wish that I could go numb for years at a time. Or even forever. There are times when I wake up, and get upset. I get angry, and frustrated that I woke up at all. I lay there, and I cry. It's become somewhat of a routine. To most people, that probably sounds like such a sad and pathetic fact. To me, it's just confusing. I think the amount of hatred I have for myself has a lot to do with it. Mostly, it's the desire I have to sleep and just be gone for a while. I don't miss the nightmares, reoccurring or not. The night terrors, I would gladly wave goodbye to. The dreams....oh my God, the dreams, they don't happen often enough. When they do, I get lost them. It's almost like getting lost in a song. I cry more when I wake up from something like that, it's hard not to. It's damn near impossible for me. I also cry more when I go to sleep knowing that I won't wake up, and I do. It breaks my heart in a way that I don't even think I can explain. Especially when one of the good dreams is floating around inside my head.
There's a song called 'The Neighbourhood' by Female Robbery, great song. The lyrics just make so much sense to me, but listening to it is like being inside of a deep sleep. It's not a dream, but it's not a nightmare. It's a bittersweet universe to be in. Confusion plays a major part with how you feel, and it's almost like you're learning all these secrets about yourself and about life, but you can't tell anybody. Not just because it's a secret, but because you don't think anybody could possibly ever understand what you're trying to explain. I don't think that's what the lyrics are attempting to get across, that's just the scenario that runs through my head when I hear that song.
Then, there are songs like 'Last Hope' by Paramore. It's so real, the lyrics are like a person in your life that understands how you feel, and knows what to say. It's beautiful, songs like that are kind of rare, and its shame that more people don't seek them out. It gives you peace of mind for five minutes. Or, five minutes and ten seconds if we're being specific.
♫"Every night I try my best to dream, tomorrow makes it better. Then I wake up the cold reality that not a thing has changed."♫
That is my favorite part of the song, it's just true, and they are words that I can relate to so quickly.
Life without music would be truly tragic. Even if it never existed and we wouldn't know anything different, I think I’d still know. I think there would be a noticeable void in my own existence. I know I wouldn't be alive today without the gift of music, that's a fact for sure. Some people relate to animals better. Even nature, and objects, much better then they relate to other people. I think music is that thing for me. I get that it's created by people, and that it exists because of people. Only, the songs themselves, the lyrics, the voices, all turn it into something much different. Something much more significant. All I know is that, I'm hanging on by very few threads these days. I'm almost sure that the demons will end up taking me out before anything else does. Those threads, they're music, and that's something I trust more than anything. I know some people might think it's sad that I trust music more than anything or anybody else, but it's the truth. I think it's beautiful, and I always will. Even if I don't live to see next year, I had something beautiful to hang onto up until the very end. That means the world to me, and I couldn't ask to go out on a note anymore perfect than that.
