It's
not secret. Nightmares are traumatizing. I don't think there is any
real way around the fear. As scary as they are, I think they're worth
thinking about. Like, when people have amazing dreams, and they wake
up feeling refreshed, happy, and at peace. Believe it or not, as
crazy as it seems, I believe there is a lot to learn within the
demons we all occasionally face while we sleep. There's beauty to be
found in most things. Nightmares, as well as dreams. Sometimes, the
horror of the things I see in my sleep is so beyond overwhelming, I
wake up feeling like a monster. Like I'm this horrible little
monster, with nothing but bad things inside of my head. The
reoccurring nightmares are the worst for me, but there is just so
much involved, it's hard for me to ignore them, or put them out of my
head.
There's
this one nightmare that haunts my sleep occasionally. It's starts off
calm, but always takes this really morbid turn. True, it's a
nightmare....however, I have to admit, I like the way this one
begins.
I'm in some random room, and it's filled with white roses. Thousands and thousands of perfect white roses, with long green stems. That makes me smile....
Every single time.
There's this scent. I don't know exactly what it is, but I know that it's not the Roses. It's something else, something stronger. Whatever it is.....it smells like magic. It makes me smile bigger....
Every single time.
Even though I'm pretty sure I'm inside someplace, I look up, and dark, puffy rainclouds are hovering over me. I make a silent wish that it will rain, and it does. It starts to rain, and I let the rain drops fall on my face and into my eyes until I have no choice but to blink. It stings, but I don't care. Call me a masochist, but it makes me smile harder....
Every single time.
Once my eyes are focused again, I notice that the Roses are changing. From a few feet away, I can see.....few by few they're turning from white to red. Somebody is making it happen. At first, I think it's just the rain, but it's not. There's a person coming towards me. I can't see their face yet, but this has all happened before. I know it's her. It makes me so nervous, that I freeze, and can't move my feet....
Every single time.
I don't want the beautiful things to go away, but they will. I don't want the Roses to die, but they will. The rain will stop, and the scent will turn to something else. Something rotten. Something Evil. She's so beautiful, but I'm terrified. She brings with her the color red, in more ways than one. No, it wasn't just the Roses. There will be blood, there be pain, and my God it's so bittersweet. With her, this raven haired angel of mercy brings a solution, and for the love of all things blissful, it's just so tempting. She approaches me, and smiles warmly. There is love in this smile, there is comfort, yet there is death. My emotion are having this inner war, calm or fear, calm or fear....the fight is epic, sad, and mind numbingly beautiful. The way she smiles at me, makes my heart race....
Every single time.
I close my eyes as she caresses my cheek with her hand. Slowly, softly, lovingly. Her touch is so warm, yet deadly. I always wish her hands were colder, even knowing that this vision, this bittersweet terror that I sleep with inside of my head, will always be be same. I can't bring myself to open my eyes, I won't not even when she whispers in my ear.
"I'll protect you. Remember, this is for your own good."
After she kisses my tears away....she kisses my lips. Only for a second, but she does, and I cherish it. I need it, because I know what's coming next. With one last loving look in her eyes, she smiles. It sends chills through my entire body.
Every Single Time.
That's when it finally happens. She punches through my chest, so easily. Almost too easily, as if I was made of tissue paper. She grips my heart so tightly, so hard. I open my mouth to scream, but she puts her finger on my lips, and shakes her head. How, I'm not sure but I hold back, I don't scream. I can feel her hand gripped around my heart. All five of her fingers, squeezing, my heart beating slower and slower. It's so strange, and it doesn't really make sense but....I'm never sure how to feel. It's never up until the very end when it becomes a nightmare. When it all really falls into place. As I fade, I glance behind her. The clouds are back, it's raining again. Some of the roses are turning white again. I tilt my head back, it's red roses, the scent of death, and no rain. No rain to purify me, to make me feel clean. I hear others screaming, other people in the same position as me. How I know that, I'm not sure. I just know. For a moment, I feel at peace, I know it will all be over soon. Then comes the end. The mind numbing, stomach churning pain. She rips my heart out, and I fade away. I sleep forever, because I chose not to cross her. I don't fight her, I give into her, because I trust her....
Every Single Time.
When I wake up from that, it's not always the same. Sometimes I'll cry and cry, like a scared little girl. Other times, I'll feel happy. There has even been a few times where I scream at the top of my lungs. It's only a matter of time. One of these days, I'll probably wake up and do all three.
Some people wouldn't call that a nightmare. Some might say it's just a bad dream. Maybe even just a dream. Whatever it is, it scares the crap out of me. Not just because of what happens to me in it. Or, because it's reoccurring. It's also because I'm surrounded by so much beauty in the beginning of it, more than I know what to do with. Then, just like that, it's snatched away by deception and evil. To me, that's how life is. That's how the world we live in is. That's the scariest fucking part, and that's the thought that settles within my mind after I have that nightmare....
Every Single Time.
I'm in some random room, and it's filled with white roses. Thousands and thousands of perfect white roses, with long green stems. That makes me smile....
Every single time.
There's this scent. I don't know exactly what it is, but I know that it's not the Roses. It's something else, something stronger. Whatever it is.....it smells like magic. It makes me smile bigger....
Every single time.
Even though I'm pretty sure I'm inside someplace, I look up, and dark, puffy rainclouds are hovering over me. I make a silent wish that it will rain, and it does. It starts to rain, and I let the rain drops fall on my face and into my eyes until I have no choice but to blink. It stings, but I don't care. Call me a masochist, but it makes me smile harder....
Every single time.
Once my eyes are focused again, I notice that the Roses are changing. From a few feet away, I can see.....few by few they're turning from white to red. Somebody is making it happen. At first, I think it's just the rain, but it's not. There's a person coming towards me. I can't see their face yet, but this has all happened before. I know it's her. It makes me so nervous, that I freeze, and can't move my feet....
Every single time.
I don't want the beautiful things to go away, but they will. I don't want the Roses to die, but they will. The rain will stop, and the scent will turn to something else. Something rotten. Something Evil. She's so beautiful, but I'm terrified. She brings with her the color red, in more ways than one. No, it wasn't just the Roses. There will be blood, there be pain, and my God it's so bittersweet. With her, this raven haired angel of mercy brings a solution, and for the love of all things blissful, it's just so tempting. She approaches me, and smiles warmly. There is love in this smile, there is comfort, yet there is death. My emotion are having this inner war, calm or fear, calm or fear....the fight is epic, sad, and mind numbingly beautiful. The way she smiles at me, makes my heart race....
Every single time.
I close my eyes as she caresses my cheek with her hand. Slowly, softly, lovingly. Her touch is so warm, yet deadly. I always wish her hands were colder, even knowing that this vision, this bittersweet terror that I sleep with inside of my head, will always be be same. I can't bring myself to open my eyes, I won't not even when she whispers in my ear.
"I'll protect you. Remember, this is for your own good."
After she kisses my tears away....she kisses my lips. Only for a second, but she does, and I cherish it. I need it, because I know what's coming next. With one last loving look in her eyes, she smiles. It sends chills through my entire body.
Every Single Time.
That's when it finally happens. She punches through my chest, so easily. Almost too easily, as if I was made of tissue paper. She grips my heart so tightly, so hard. I open my mouth to scream, but she puts her finger on my lips, and shakes her head. How, I'm not sure but I hold back, I don't scream. I can feel her hand gripped around my heart. All five of her fingers, squeezing, my heart beating slower and slower. It's so strange, and it doesn't really make sense but....I'm never sure how to feel. It's never up until the very end when it becomes a nightmare. When it all really falls into place. As I fade, I glance behind her. The clouds are back, it's raining again. Some of the roses are turning white again. I tilt my head back, it's red roses, the scent of death, and no rain. No rain to purify me, to make me feel clean. I hear others screaming, other people in the same position as me. How I know that, I'm not sure. I just know. For a moment, I feel at peace, I know it will all be over soon. Then comes the end. The mind numbing, stomach churning pain. She rips my heart out, and I fade away. I sleep forever, because I chose not to cross her. I don't fight her, I give into her, because I trust her....
Every Single Time.
When I wake up from that, it's not always the same. Sometimes I'll cry and cry, like a scared little girl. Other times, I'll feel happy. There has even been a few times where I scream at the top of my lungs. It's only a matter of time. One of these days, I'll probably wake up and do all three.
Some people wouldn't call that a nightmare. Some might say it's just a bad dream. Maybe even just a dream. Whatever it is, it scares the crap out of me. Not just because of what happens to me in it. Or, because it's reoccurring. It's also because I'm surrounded by so much beauty in the beginning of it, more than I know what to do with. Then, just like that, it's snatched away by deception and evil. To me, that's how life is. That's how the world we live in is. That's the scariest fucking part, and that's the thought that settles within my mind after I have that nightmare....
Every Single Time.
