Reoccurring Connection Between Love & Evil
Reoccurring nightmares haunt people like me, for years. Nightmares are bad memories and fear that are stuck in your brain. That's my opinion, I'm not stating that as a fact. When a nightmare repeats itself over and over again, that means it has implanted itself into your brain, and has zero plans to vacate. Again, simply my opinion. To me, that's terrifying, I feel for people who have reoccurring nightmares, because I know how much it hurts. I know how frightening it can be. It's very easy to get frustrated, especially with yourself. I get angry with myself, because I don't know how to get these nightmares out of my head. Let me paint you a picture, a very scary one.
I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, below there is nothing but fire and the voices of people screaming. Somebody always screams "I'm burning for being myself." Every single time, and it makes me cry. In my left ear, somebody whispers "Crying doesn't save you, it only makes you weak." My left ear is ripped off. I can't scream, my mouth has been sewn shut. In my right ear, a whisper...."Everything you are is sin, and that is why you have to stay forever." My right ear is ripped off, and I'm pushed from the cliff into the fire below. I feel myself burning, and the nightmare ends.
My worst enemy could ask me to give them that experience, and I would refuse. I have a few theories about that nightmare, regardless, I wish that it would stop haunting me. The strangest thing about it, is that it connects to a reoccurring dream I have. Let me paint you a much prettier picture.
I'm sitting on a beach at night, surrounded by a circle of people. I don't recognize these people, but it feels like these people are my friends. I see that they are talking, and laughing but I can't hear their voices. I hear guitar music, and the waves. It smells like Fantasia incense, and burning firewood. There are so many stars in the sky, it makes me cry. In my left ear, a loving voice tells me "It's okay to cry, it makes you human." I'm kissed on my left cheek, somebody holds my left hand. In my right ear, I hear, "We love you for you, please stay with us forever." I'm kissed on my right cheek, and my right hand is held. I close my eyes, and that's the end.
I feel lucky when I have that dream. Most mornings, I cry when I wake up because it makes me sad that I'm still alive. When I have that dream, I don't cry because I'm sad. I cry, because I'm happy. The nightmare came first, and it scares me as much now as it did the first time it happened. I needed it to be a one time occurrence, but of course, it was not. The second time it happened, I knew it was here to stay, and I was devastated. Having that kind of evil in my head makes me feel like a monster. I grew up thinking that my appearance and personality would send me to Hell. I've said it before, this is a place where differences are not welcomed with open arms. Something must have triggered me, because lost memories are coming home. The nightmare started months ago.
The dream started a few weeks ago, and I knew right away where it came from. It's so similar to the nightmare, it wasn't hard for me to figure it out. My brain created a counter world to escape that nightmare. That nightmare scares me so much, that I created it's much nicer cousin, without even knowing it. I didn't go to sleep thinking "I need to push the nightmare away with a better world"....it just happened. They're both so short, the length of a dream or nightmare that fades the very second you open your eyes. These don't fade, they hover than hide until they're ready to come out and play again. The nightmare is a Hell issue obviously. So, anybody could assume that the dream is a Heaven thing. Only, it's not. The nightmare feels like Hell, the dream doesn't feel like Heaven. It just feels like a better place, one that I could be in and not hear the monsters all the time. They're so loud these days, I can barely hear anything else. I drown them out with music as often as I can. There's lyrics to match the dream.
♫"This is happiness, to be everything at once.
Be un-blinded, be unlearned, be unbridled and un-burned." ♫
Those lyrics are from a song called "No Parallels" by Hands like Houses. One of my favorite songs and bands ever. Anyways, the lyrics remind me of the place in my dream. I haven't been able to match lyrics to the nightmare, but I believe that to be a positive thing.
I have a pretty solid idea of what's coming my way soon. I'm scared, but, it's alright. This world isn't a place that I need to be, there is no help. Not for me. I'm still okay with that. I just hope whoever takes my place, has a purpose.
