Socially Acceptable Disease

♫ Disease by: Hollywood Undead ♫

Society today is blows my mind, and breaks my heart at the same time. At least, in my eyes, it seems to be more than some people are able to handle. Some of the behavior that I see from people that's become socially acceptable in this time, makes me feel like breaking down and crying tears of pure sadness for the world that we live in. It effects me that much. I'm sure if I was a stronger person, it wouldn't hit me so hard, but strength isn't really part of who I am anymore. I honestly don't even know who I am anymore.

Strength is a very tricky thing. It's a little funny to me, because it seems like most people only see it as a physical thing. It's so much more than that though. Strength is part of a persons mentality as well. If you lack it, you're considered to be "too sensitive" and that kills me. It's true, we're all human beings, but each of us is different in our own way. Some of us aren't as strong as others appear to be. Some of us believe that it's easier to bleed our problems out, than to talk about them. Some of us aren't capable enough to live like others. Some of us see beauty in things that most people don't. Even if that beauty is in death. Even if that beauty lays within something that most people view as ugly, or too different for their taste. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion. Everybody is entitled to feel how they want to feel. Only, these days, through my eyes, most people are taking the negative side. Difference is "bad" and "normal" is good. Only, the "normal" part is what makes me want to go to sleep, and never wake up. It's socially acceptable to hate difference. Even things that are out of anybody's control. People aren't accepted to be themselves, they can't be themselves without being criticized or judged. That isn't something that I'm able to deal with easily, it makes me sad. It upsets me since I am one of those people, and because I know others that live with that. Every single day. I just think living in a world like this is such a waste. It has it's perks. Beautiful things to see, and amazing music to hear. It used to be enough to keep me safe, but not so much anymore. Nobody is safe anymore. 

I wouldn't raise kids in this world, I absolutely would not. Here's one reason why, and also  something that frustrates me like nothing else. 

"Having balls" supposedly means that you're tough, and the word "pussy"somehow equals weakness. Yet, a slight flick to a man's balls puts him on the ground in the fetal position. Whole human beings come out of vaginas, but having one somehow qualifies as being weak. Yay people and society! I say that with every ounce of sarcasm in my body. I'm sorry, I really am, but that is nonsense to me. Fighting it seems right, but it won't change. Yes, the world has evolved and progressed, but nothing can save some of us. I wake up everyday, wishing that I hadn't. I am in constant pain, physically and mentally. Not that most people would know, I have a mask on most of the time. I'm starting to understand how people in my life really feel about me, and how me being around effects people. Ultimately, I don't really think that I should be in anybody's life. That's not me insulting people and saying that nobody's good enough for me. I'm saying that I'm not good for anybody. I feel like the biggest piece of trash on the planet. It's painful, but probably not as painful as having to put up with me. I love my friends, the real ones and even not so real ones. After years of being naive to people's attitudes towards me, I'm finally starting to see how people really feel. It's not something that I can really deal with. Spending so much time inside of your own head, it does this sometimes. It kind of opens up little rivers inside of your head, only instead of water flowing around, it's everything negative that you're dealing with. It's people's hateful words, it's mistakes you've made, the what if questions. You question every decision you've ever made, and end up wanting to punish yourself for the bad decisions. At least that's what happens with me. Inside of my head is a scary place, and I am very thankful that nobody else has to be there but me. I give people so much credit to people who actually have the strength to survive life. Unfortunately, I'm just not one of those people.