Purpose & Villains

When you are the human version of the headache, life can get pretty tedious. Especially when you wake up every morning knowing that that's what you are. When you have little monsters in your head, and they spend every waking minute bullying you, life becomes oppressive. That's morbid, I know but it's what's real. Changing it stopped being  an option a long time ago. People will say things. They do say things.

"You're crazy."

"Stop being so depressed."

"You need help."

It's true, I do need help, however, I am beyond it. I accept that, because I'm trapped inside of my own head. Imagine being punched from the inside of your skull. Not that I would wish that on anybody, I apologize. Explaination isn't really my strong suite anymore. I guess, I really just hate what I'm turning into. Once again, I'm looking to my best friend, Music. I can always rely on that to help me explain.

"As the war between light and darkness continues,

Heroes and villains become harder to identify.

Kindred spirits separated at birth,

Fighting for their place in time to be solidified.

The clock ticks faster and faster,

While time runs a marathon in this Babylon.

But see, the end is only the beginning.

The beginning of the calm before the storm."

That's from a song by B.O.B and it's called "Bombs Away." That part is spoken by Morgan Freeman, and for good reason, his voice sounds like gold in vocal form. Anyways, my favorite part of that whole statement is "Heroes and villains become harder to identify." No, we don't live inside of a comic book, or a movie, but heroes and villains are real. It hard to tell who the good and bad guys are anymore. There are more villains than there are heroes, and that breaks my heart. Not just because they're the bad people, but because things happened to them that made them that way. I think I'm on the verge of becoming one of those people. I don't like it, or accept it, I don't want to hurt anybody, and that's what I'm doing simply by existing. I've said it before, I'll say it again, I would gladly give up my spot for somebody with a purpose.
  
I recently attended my ten year class reunion. Talk about a group of people with purpose. I was dreading it, I struggled with the thought of going, pretty much up until the day before. Now, I talk about bitter-sweetness all the time, I can't help it. It's an aspect of my life that I take very seriously. I love the feeling of being able to acknowledge the best and worst of both worlds. Going to this reunion was probably one of the more major bittersweet moments I've had in a long time. Just, not for the reasons most people would assume. See, I believe that we're apart of a very complicated generation. Things change all of the time, it's a part of life. In my opinion, our generation has dealt with a huge amount of changes. The older we all get, the more changes there are. This is part of why I thought going to this reunion wouldn't be a positive experience. I was scared, and I feel like I was most likely not the only one that was scared. I was an outcast growing up, I still am to this day. So, my preconception of the whole event, was that I'd be standing alone in a corner. 

I was wrong.

I'm wrong more often than not, I'll admit that, no problem. From the minute I walked through the door, everything was alright. As a person that deals with severe anxiety, I expected to freak out from the very beginning. I didn't, I was able to be social because people were being social with me, and there was alcohol around. I made the mistake of underestimating everybody, and I apologize for that. It was so beautiful seeing everybody, even the people that I didn't really interact with. I'm actually really proud to be able to say that I was part of a class full of people doing great things with their lives. Nobody had to pull a "Romy and Michelle" people are successful, hard working, and productive. That makes me happy, but it also proves my point. I listen to people talk about there careers, spouses and adventures. In the back of mind, all I can think about is the fact that I'm an utterly useless human being. I didn't deserve to be at that reunion. It's the same kind of feeling when I'm at birthday parties for kids. I'm not always the only person without any kids at those parties, but I might as well be. People often get confused when I tell them that I feel like I don't have a family. I get the confusion but I have a hard enough time understanding the situation myself. I won't dare try to paint a picture, the colors would run together. 

There's been so much in my life that I love. Beautiful people and beautiful things, that always make me smile. With beauty comes ugliness. Ugliness brings pain, and suffering. Pain brings demons that sit inside of your head and terrorize you. In my eyes, that's part of what makes a villain a villain.

I will not be a villain.